Big man angwee! Big man go punchy punchy! Teach meanie a wesson!

Oh, we're sorry. We probably should have introduced this article about Kylie Sandilands revealing his violent rage toward Dave Hughes to celebrity interviewer extraordinaire Andrew Denton a little better, but really - it's a pretty apt summary, we feel.

Sandilands has promised to punch Hughes in the throat - why the throat and not the face we're not sure - but he's intent on causing some physical pain when they eventually cross paths.

What sounds like a typical Sandilands grab for headlines could end up as an interesting time for Channel Ten execs as both personalities feature on the network.

The grumpy Idol judge is irate at Hughes, who appears on Rove most Sunday nights, for calling him a "dickhead".

"I don't care if I go to jail for three months, that guy needs a punch in the throat. Simple," Sandilands trumpeted on his 2DAY FM breakfast show with Jackie O.

The outburst yesterday follows Sandiland's appearance on Andrew Denton's Enough Rope.

Denton played a clip from the 2007 Logie Awards, where Hughes (say it through your nose, it's a more authentic way to pronounce his name) called Sandilands "a massive dickhead".

The Australian Idol judge returned fire with: "I hate him - the next time I see him I'm going to punch him in the throat."

We can just see it now. It's the 2007 ARIA Awards after party, and Kyle is lining up for his turn to graze at the party pies table. Finally, he shuffles to the front and prepares to dine - when, out of nowhere, he sees a rogue arm move in and grab the last remaining pastry! He looks up and to the left - up, and to the left - and sees a sauce-smeared grin on Hughesy's face as the Rove and Nova star swallows the last bite of his snack.

"Seeeeeeeeriously, Kyyyyyyyyyle, I didn't knoooow you waaaaaaannid iiiiiiit that bad!" he wails in mock-apology, "and yew don't look liiiiike you neeeeed more poooooyze aaaanneeeeewaaaaaaaay! Seeeeeeeeriously, ya diiiickhead!"

And what does Kyle do?

Mumbles something about a migraine, pulls his Sean John baseball cap over his eyes, and slinks off to the men's toilets to cry quietly in the cubicle.

Poor Kyle :(

Here at Defamer Australia, we always endeavour to keep abreast with the pop culture goings on not only in our own magical brown land, but also in the overcast land that is the British Isles.

To ensure we do so to the best of our abilities, we flew over one of our best "people", the marvellous William Fop Esquire, and gave him one task; tell us what the fuck is going down in ol' Blighty, preferably in point form, but however you desire to deliver said news will suffice.

Being an obedient sort of man, he has filed a report with us. Please enjoy after the jump.

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The world (well, Brisbane at the very least - this article's been the most read on the Brisbane Times' site all day - and to us, Brisbane is the world) has been all a-flutter with new YouTube footage of Beyonce Knowles' shirt coming undone during one of her inimitable on stage furious thrashing about sessions (also alleged to be "dancing") during a live concert.

The footage seems kind of grainy to us, so we turned to well known entertainer Red Symons for an expert opinion. His verdict? She is wearing a nakie-coloured body suit. He informed us of this and then minced away in the minciest manner you could imagine, and we were so transfixed by his catlike slinky style that we completely forgot to question him any further about it. Whatever.

In conclusion - Defamer Australia is assuming there was no actual tittage exposed, but we find it enjoyably pervy footage nonetheless.

We know, we know - when you're after cutting edge Australian Idol commentary, you turn to Andrew Bolt's wife Sally Morrell's column, but bear with us. We've pointed you in his direction before but once again, Scott To Be Certain has left us gasping for breath and clutching our sides after reading his take on the show so we feel you need another nudge.

Here are just a few examples of his highly entertaining views.

Name: Sarah Lloyde
Anagram: "Dollars: Yeah!"; "Really Sad Ho"
Likelihood of success: 5/10

I'm hedging my bets on Sarah and her superfluously spelt moniker. Her anagram screams financial success on the one hand, but she could just as equally be a sullen, pathetic, unbankable little slut. We already know that she works in a car wash and doesn't "mind getting dirty".

Musically, there are some questions. She sang an Andrews Sisters song for her final performance without any semblance of swing or sass. I have some definite concerns for RSH. On the website, she names Kyle as her favourite judge, claiming that "he like me and was nice to me two years old and still is". This is disturbing on more than one level: dear God, what happened to this woman when she was 2 years old at the hand of Cholesterol Demon Sandilands that she can no longer form grammatical sentences? Poor bitch has been so fundamentally interfered with that she can't even differentiate between sensations: to prepare for performances she claims to "warm up of course, and try to chill". Llordy. Goode llucke to her.

Name: Rosie Ribbons
Anagram: "Brie Ribs Soon"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

According to the website, and supported by her anagram, Rosie's favourite food is cheese, which is a concern. Nonetheless, she was the last one into the semi-finals, taking the Klancie spot over Cyndi Dietrich. In a display of irrefutable, alarmingly unfussy logic prior to being selected, Rosie revealed her motivations for singing: "I don't believe I'm not supposed to sing." Living life this way must be exhausting, planning your future on the basis of signs that have failed to arrive. Not winning UK Pop Idol was obviously not a big enough hint. But let's be fair: she finished 6th on that show, even releasing 2 singles (one of which went as high as #12 on the UK chart) and securing a multi-million pound record deal. The label died in the arse. Rosie moved to Dubbo. As you do. Still, I have a feeling about this one.

Name: Lana Krost
Anagram: "Oral Stank"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

For some reason, Lana makes me think of Hello Kitty. Is it just me? "Does Australia think I have it in me?" Lana rhetorically mused as the credits rolled on Monday night's episode. Not sure, but I'm certain at least half of the viewership would happily put it in you, love. Pity your vocal is set to stink. At least Lana has a refreshing take on the usefulness of Idol as a medium of unearthing untalent: "Because it acts as a stepping stone for people who are just beginning their career or for those at the end of it. " Quite.

Unless you're a complete idiot, you'll want to be heading over to Scott To Be Certain to read it all for yourself.

In an unsurprising turn of events, Darren Hayes has "strenuously" denied unleashing a torrent of racially flavoured abuse at an employee of London restaurant Busaba Eathai.

In a statement a spokesperson for the singer said: “Darren is unable to comment to any extent as the incident is presently under investigation by the police, with whom he has cooperated fully.”

The spokesperson continued: “However he is deeply upset at the allegation which he strenuously denies and anyone who knows Darren will recognise thatgm the particular nature of the allegation is totally abhorrent to him and contrary to everything for which he has stood.”

And if you don't believe Darren, then believe the good readers of Defamer Australia. Having gotten to know Darren from video clips like That Savage Garden Song With Nonsensical Lyrics Which Appeared On The Soundtrack Of That Juliette Lewis Film, to his more recent solo efforts like The One Where He Runs Around With A Ghettoblaster And Inflicts Pop On The British, our readers - like the nation - are positively behind Darren.

- Darren Hayes...racist...I think not. The man doesn't have a mean bone in his body.

- Darren Hayes guilty of racism? I doubt it for one minute, he's always been a huge advocate of human rights of all kinds, including anti racism

- I have no doubt these allegations are a lie. they go against everything he stands for. Darren Hayes wore the aboriginal flag to the Australian Olympics closing ceremony.

Sarcasm aside, we must say that it does sound rather unlike the Darren Hayes we've read about in the press all these years. We shall wait and see what the investigation concludes.

Adam Levine, a notorious Hollywood lothario who has horizontally prodded some of showbiz's dumbest vaginal life support systems, proved himself to be quite the gentlemen when decided to kiss and tell to a British tabloid about his time with tennis player Maria Sharapova.

The grubby character has revealed intimate secrets of their sex life to explain why their brief courtship ended. And the pretty tennis star's lack of volume in the bedroom tore the lovers apart.

Levine said: "She wouldn't make any noise during sex. I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she'd be the loud screaming type."

Wait - are you saying that you thought she'd be a howler like most of the men you've slept with, Adam?

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• Music roundup: Bluejuice - living proof that strip club encounters can lead to loving and lasting relationships – pump it out on the east coast (Vitriol clip above). Round out a weekend of dancing like retards to great bands with shit names as the Midnight Juggernauts and Shout Out Louds accost Oz.

• The Melbourne Writers Festival: so risqué there's a dedicated UNDER-18s zone

• Heads up: Chemical Brothers and Rocky Horror, alas on separate bills.

Making hairdressing waves the magnitude of which have not been seen since Jessica Simpson went brunette, The Veronicas have given themselves follicular makeovers to celebrate the upcoming release of their new single, Hook Me Up. News Ltd is particularly thrilled with The Veronicas' new 'dos, providing a five-photo gallery devoted solely to that item (though we are more concerned with finding out just where Lisa has managed to get her hands on the "show only" Donna Karan pink lipstick, LOL VOGUE FORUMS).

However, as if that wasn't exciting enough, the twin popstrelles will also be launching their Tarjay range (a kiddy/tween spin on the successful Designers For Target ranges that puts the "kinderwhore" back in kinder) tomorrow and plan to touch lots and lots of money in a special way.

They launch their new range for Target tomorrow at the Miranda store from 2.30pm and have even agreed to work the cash registers.

In news that will delight mums nationwide, Adam "Nice" Hills and his streetwise crew will be taking so-light-it's-weightless light entertainment music trivia show Spicks And Specks on the road.

Host Adam Hills, and panel members Alan Brough and Myf Warhurst will take the show, dubbed the Spicks and Speck-tacular, to Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, Newcastle and Perth from November to January.

The show boasts ramped up versions of some of the program's most popular games, including a bigger bike for the Malvern Stars On 45 segment and a new take on the Substitute section, where people sing well-known songs with substitute lyrics taken from obscure texts.

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The Lord of zoos giveth and taketh away at Taronga Zoo. While ridiculously cute baby giraffe Jimiyu has arrived safely at the high-security resort with stunning harbourside views, an autopsy report has revealed that rhinoceros Kua - who died on June 4th this year - suffered a sadder fate than initially thought:

A rare rhinoceros at Sydney's Taronga Zoo was pregnant, emaciated and ulcerated when she died, according to an autopsy report. Kua, a greater one-horned rhinoceros who died on June 4, also had the equivalent of about seventy litres of sand trapped in her large intestine, Fairfax newspapers report.

Zoo staff said questions about how so much sand ended up inside Kua were irrelevant.

"At the end of the day, what difference does it make?" asked Taronga Zoo's senior veterinarian, Larry Vogelnest.

...

Sources within the zoo allege Kua developed the blockage by eating her sand-based bedding out of hunger.

The report noted that not until her autopsy was it discovered that she was nine months pregnant. The report also noted that Kua was on a carefully managed diet to prevent excessive weight gain.

You may recall - as we are aware that it was a major cultural milestone - that Paris Hilton visited Australia earlier in the year for a few promo opps including launching boutique beer Bondi Blonde and helping to choose its bikini-sporting spokesmodel, Jaime Wright. Well, Paris is continuing her post-clink good deeds spree by helping Wright hit the Hollywood big time:

In October, Wright and her manager will travel to LA to meet with the famous heiress and discuss her involvement with Wright's new venture - a shoe label named Floating On Diamonds.

The pair have developed a solid friendship since their Sydney meeting, and while contracts are yet to be signed, Hilton has tentatively agreed to be the face of Wright's 12-pair line of high heels.

In news to make the world throb with a warm glowing warming glow, Australia's "quirky" darling (or is it "opera pop"? We can't keep up with her, she's just so ZANY!), Kate Miller-Heidke, has added to her karmic superannuation by sending her love down the well to Britney "Cheetos" Spears, dedicating a live cover of Toxic to the Mouseketeer:

"This one is for someone who is very close to all our hearts," Miller-Heidke said. "She's going through a bit of a hard time at the moment. It's a song for Britney Spears.

"Britney, if you are out there, this one's for you, mate."

Avid SBS viewers will have noticed that figurehead news presenter Mary Kostakidis has been missing from the news desk for the past week or so, but it was only a few days ago that word emerged that was not merely taking a break and she had in fact left in protest:

She is understood to have stormed out of the newsroom a week and a half ago and hasn't turned up for work since.

She is said to be furious at changes to the news bulletin, which she believes undermine SBS standards.

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It's a dilemma plenty of fine publications have found themselves in: a flashy tabloid peer announces that the RSPCA has removed a kitten from its owner - allegedly one Pete Doherty - after the kitty chowed down on crack; broadsheet is left scratching head and wondering just how they will one-up their colourful half-sized counterpart.

In the case of The Guardian, the solution to the problem is simple: LOLCATS.

A LOLCats dramatisation of Pete Doherty's crackhead cat. Graphic: Kelly Nestruck

So, you're a junkie. You love to spend the best part of your waking hours (roughly 21 out of every 24) doing drugs any which way you can, be it up the nose, bum or in between the toes in order not to ruin your otherwise porcelain-like complexion. You get so obsessed with drugs you forget your mother's birthday. Is it really that unlikely then that you'd want to share your habit with your cat?

It gives me great pleasure to not only write something in the first person, but to also welcome my pop culturally enthusiastic chum and partner in radio mischief Clem Bastow to the Defamer Australia team.

She is quite brilliant, and shares my unhealthy love of trashy magazines and Law & Order: SVU. She also has strong feelings about John Mayer. The erotic kind. Make of that what you will.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEW HOME, CLEM "CLAM" BASTOW?

CLEM: YES!

Wonderful.

x

We were just noting how it's a bit of a wackier day than normal in Defamerland - what with the Gay Pride float oracles, acupuncture needles on the red carpet, and Swedish golf cart joy rides - when what should appear in our inbox but a series of truly glorious and mind-boggling photographs, taken not but an hour ago on Melrose by a highly placed operative. Yes, that is a completely naked man, strolling down the street with a leopard flung around his neck. Our witness explains:

He stopped for all traffic signals, took good care of the cat in the intersections etc. He was so nonchalant about it.

The rest of his report, along with the uncensored photos and a shot of his arrest, after the jump:

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The scream-headline urgency of Extra's breaking news press release on the sharp object jutting from Matt Damon's ear on the red carpet of the Berlin premiere of The Bourne Ultimatum had us briefly concerned that the beloved actor had become an exhibitionist self-mutilator as an unhealthy response to the pressure of his constant promotional obligations, but we'd urge you not to succumb to the same ill-informed panic: his publicist says that he was just wearing it to combat a "terrible spasm" in his neck and back. Everything's OK! But what exactly was so terrifying about the needle that the celebrity newsmagazine was scrambling to get an exclusive on That Thing In Matt Damon's ear? After the jump, we think we've found an image of the therapeutic implement that could have brought Hollywood to a standstill if left unexplained:

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While we've always envisioned Sweden as an idyllic place where American actors can go to play a few rounds of golf, throw back some cocktails at the 19th Hole, and then take a leisurely, low-speed joyride through the city without being hassled by The Människa, the news that Bill Murray was pulled over in downtown Stockholm on Sunday for suspicion of drunken golf-cart driving has shattered our cherished illusions about the permissiveness of the Scandinavian nation. A spokesman for the Swedish fuzz remarked on Murray's refusal to take a Breathalyzer and about the unknown origin of his slow-moving electric vehicle:

"He refused to blow in the (breath test) instrument, citing American legislation," Holmlund told The Associated Press on Wednesday. "So we applied the old method - a blood test. It will take 14 days before the results are in." [...]

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Rest easy - all is well at Birkhead Manor, even if Us Weekly's cover story on Anna Nicole Smith's last living heir somewhat disconcertingly crops daddy Larry out of the picture. (At least we're hoping those disembodied hands are Larry's, and not Tony Potts placing the one-year-old in a duffel bag for transportation to a contractually mandated appearance at Access Hollywood's studios.) And while the "$US472 million baby" may tragically never get to meet her mummy, Dannielynn will at least be able to experience her through the multimedia shrine her father has erected in Anna Nicole's honour:

"Larry says that it's important Dannielynn knows about her mum," his older sister, Judy Birkhead tells Us.

"He's always telling Dannielynn how much he loved Anna and how great she was."

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On a night dedicated to celebrating the very best in American talent, it was a man whose myriad gifts are almost exclusively recognised overseas who truly stole the show.

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· Hollywood Out of Directors: "Dimension Films has set a November 26 start date for Comeback, an inspirational sports drama that Ice Cube will star in and produce. Fred Durst will direct." [Variety]
· 13.9 million viewers tuned in to watch The Hoff declare the guy with his hand up a turtle puppet's ass the Most Talented Man in America. [THR]
· FX greenlights Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy's transsexual drama 4 oz., but since the pitch was bought in the room by president John Landegraf, the central tranny's vocation has been changed from sportswriter to gynaecologist. (Was it originally too close to the story of the LAT's Mike Penner/Christine Daniels?) Murphy ambitiously envisions his protagonist's journey from male ladydoctor to lady ladydoctor to unfold over four seasons. [Variety]
· A study claims that people's internet-time is now rivalling their TV-time, a finding that the studios will do their best to ignore during their fight with the various guilds over online residuals. [THR]
· Joey Fatone is trying to become TV Guide Channel's budget-friendly answer to Ryan Seacrest. [Variety]

· This list of 13 isn't the first time we've seen someone try to determine the worst fake accents in movie history, but we think it's a debate always worth revisiting, even if Keanu Reeves in Dracula can never be beaten. (Not even by Costner in Robin Hood - and as you can see in the clip above, that guy was horrible!) [via BoingBoing]
· Bridget Moynihan's publicist isn't telling the world the name of the actress's just-delivered baby. We suspect it's because she's trying convince Moynihan that while calling the boy Fuck Tom Brady might feel good right now, she'll probably regret it the moment she signs the birth certificate.
· It shouldn't take much more than one photo of a rehabbing Lindsay Lohan reading the AA manual to convince us she's really serious about sobriety this time, right?
· Do you mean to tell us that Donald Trump might just be blowing some smoke up America's ass when he talks about all the celebrities dying to get on the new Apprentice?

Tonight, the evil-genius minds of Fox's alternative programming department unveil their latest reality show creation: Anchorwoman (promo above), which seeks to mine the implied comedy gold in transplanting a blonde, spokesbimbo bikini model from L.A. to the anchor desk of the local news in a small Texas market. The LAT's review, however, remained thoroughly unamused - offended even:

If you hate women, men, Texas, Los Angeles, television news and any of the social progress made by Americans in the 20th century, then "Anchorwoman" is the show for you.

On the new Fox reality series, Phil Hurley, owner of the struggling KYTX in Tyler, Texas, has hired Lauren Jones, L.A. model, WWE spokeswoman and general bombshell, to anchor the news, despite the fact (or because of it) that she has no previous news experience. [...]

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We'll admit to watching very little of this season of America's Got Talent, NBC's highly rated, thoroughly Z-list variety extravaganza presided over by judges the Hoff, Sharon Osbourne, and Segway Accident Guy - and, of course, host Jerry Springer, who seemed all along to be secretly holding out hope that plus-sized semi-finalist girl group The Glamazons would trample human beatbox virtuoso Butterscotch for mackin' on their man.

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Struck by the apparent irony of a network that calls itself The Learning Channel deploying grammatically incorrect pop-up graphics (above) during new series LA Ink, the proprietor of social networking site ifuckinghateyou.com last week e-mailed TLC to make them aware of their egregious your/you're error, receiving this response:

"Thank you for contacting TLC. We value your comments about our network and your desire to assist us in providing quality programming.

We received your comments about the LA Ink popup and have forwarded them to our programming department for their review. We always appreciate when viewers like you, take time to share information with us, and your suggestions will be given full consideration."

After the jump, see how nimbly TLC has responded to the viewer-generated "comments" about the mistake on last night's episode, as noted in a new thread on the IFHY message board:

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An update to yesterday's Happy Hour tragedy in WeHo, when venerable cocktailing and banana-thong-swinging institution Micky's succumbed to non-metaphorical flaming: In our scramble to bring you updates, it turns out one of our tips - that upscale neighbouring bar East West was also affected - was incorrect. CBS2 reported the fire started in a malfunctioning air conditioning unit in the basement and, fuelled by inventory meant for thousands of green appletinis, quickly engulfed the building.

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