Thursday, August 23, 2007
Kyle Sandilands Prepared To Endure Months Of Furious Prison Shower Bumming Sessions If It Means He Can Punch Dave Hughes In The Throat
4:20PM Jess McGuire | Big man angwee! Big man go punchy punchy! Teach meanie a wesson!
Oh, we’re sorry. We probably should have introduced this article about Kylie Sandilands revealing his violent rage toward Dave Hughes to celebrity interviewer extraordinaire Andrew Denton a little better, but really - it’s a pretty apt summary, we feel.
Sandilands has promised to punch Hughes in the throat - why the throat and not the face we’re not sure - but he’s intent on causing some physical pain when they eventually cross paths.
What sounds like a typical Sandilands grab for headlines could end up as an interesting time for Channel Ten execs as both personalities feature on the network.
The grumpy Idol judge is irate at Hughes, who appears on Rove most Sunday nights, for calling him a “dickhead”.
“I don’t care if I go to jail for three months, that guy needs a punch in the throat. Simple,” Sandilands trumpeted on his 2DAY FM breakfast show with Jackie O.
The outburst yesterday follows Sandiland’s appearance on Andrew Denton’s Enough Rope.
Denton played a clip from the 2007 Logie Awards, where Hughes (say it through your nose, it’s a more authentic way to pronounce his name) called Sandilands “a massive dickhead”.
The Australian Idol judge returned fire with: “I hate him - the next time I see him I’m going to punch him in the throat.”
We can just see it now. It’s the 2007 ARIA Awards after party, and Kyle is lining up for his turn to graze at the party pies table. Finally, he shuffles to the front and prepares to dine - when, out of nowhere, he sees a rogue arm move in and grab the last remaining pastry! He looks up and to the left - up, and to the left - and sees a sauce-smeared grin on Hughesy’s face as the Rove and Nova star swallows the last bite of his snack.
“Seeeeeeeeriously, Kyyyyyyyyyle, I didn’t knoooow you waaaaaaannid iiiiiiit that bad!” he wails in mock-apology, “and yew don’t look liiiiike you neeeeed more poooooyze aaaanneeeeewaaaaaaaay! Seeeeeeeeriously, ya diiiickhead!”
And what does Kyle do?
Mumbles something about a migraine, pulls his Sean John baseball cap over his eyes, and slinks off to the men’s toilets to cry quietly in the cubicle.
Poor Kyle :( More » 
The Latest Report From Our UK Correspondent
3:51PM Jess McGuire | Here at Defamer Australia, we always endeavour to keep abreast with the pop culture goings on not only in our own magical brown land, but also in the overcast land that is the British Isles.
To ensure we do so to the best of our abilities, we flew over one of our best “people”, the marvellous William Fop Esquire, and gave him one task; tell us what the fuck is going down in ol’ Blighty, preferably in point form, but however you desire to deliver said news will suffice.
Being an obedient sort of man, he has filed a report with us. Please enjoy after the jump. More » Beyonce Breast Debacle - We Get An Experts Opinion
3:32PM Jess McGuire | The world (well, Brisbane at the very least - this article’s been the most read on the Brisbane Times’ site all day - and to us, Brisbane is the world) has been all a-flutter with new YouTube footage of Beyonce Knowles’ shirt coming undone during one of her inimitable on stage furious thrashing about sessions (also alleged to be “dancing”) during a live concert.
The footage seems kind of grainy to us, so we turned to well known entertainer Red Symons for an expert opinion. His verdict? She is wearing a nakie-coloured body suit. He informed us of this and then minced away in the minciest manner you could imagine, and we were so transfixed by his catlike slinky style that we completely forgot to question him any further about it. Whatever.
In conclusion - Defamer Australia is assuming there was no actual tittage exposed, but we find it enjoyably pervy footage nonetheless.
More » This Is Probably The Best Summary Of Idol’s Top 24 You’ll Ever Read
2:31PM Jess McGuire | We know, we know - when you’re after cutting edge Australian Idol commentary, you turn to Andrew Bolt’s wife Sally Morrell’s column, but bear with us. We’ve pointed you in his direction before but once again, Scott To Be Certain has left us gasping for breath and clutching our sides after reading his take on the show so we feel you need another nudge.
Here are just a few examples of his highly entertaining views.
Name: Sarah LloydeAnagram: “Dollars: Yeah!”; “Really Sad Ho”Likelihood of success: 5/10
I’m hedging my bets on Sarah and her superfluously spelt moniker. Her anagram screams financial success on the one hand, but she could just as equally be a sullen, pathetic, unbankable little slut. We already know that she works in a car wash and doesn’t “mind getting dirty”.
Musically, there are some questions. She sang an Andrews Sisters song for her final performance without any semblance of swing or sass. I have some definite concerns for RSH. On the website, she names Kyle as her favourite judge, claiming that “he like me and was nice to me two years old and still is”. This is disturbing on more than one level: dear God, what happened to this woman when she was 2 years old at the hand of Cholesterol Demon Sandilands that she can no longer form grammatical sentences? Poor bitch has been so fundamentally interfered with that she can’t even differentiate between sensations: to prepare for performances she claims to “warm up of course, and try to chill”. Llordy. Goode llucke to her.
Name: Rosie RibbonsAnagram: “Brie Ribs Soon”Likelihood of success: 7/10
According to the website, and supported by her anagram, Rosie’s favourite food is cheese, which is a concern. Nonetheless, she was the last one into the semi-finals, taking the Klancie spot over Cyndi Dietrich. In a display of irrefutable, alarmingly unfussy logic prior to being selected, Rosie revealed her motivations for singing: “I don’t believe I’m not supposed to sing.” Living life this way must be exhausting, planning your future on the basis of signs that have failed to arrive. Not winning UK Pop Idol was obviously not a big enough hint. But let’s be fair: she finished 6th on that show, even releasing 2 singles (one of which went as high as #12 on the UK chart) and securing a multi-million pound record deal. The label died in the arse. Rosie moved to Dubbo. As you do. Still, I have a feeling about this one.
Name: Lana KrostAnagram: “Oral Stank”Likelihood of success: 7/10
For some reason, Lana makes me think of Hello Kitty. Is it just me? “Does Australia think I have it in me?” Lana rhetorically mused as the credits rolled on Monday night’s episode. Not sure, but I’m certain at least half of the viewership would happily put it in you, love. Pity your vocal is set to stink. At least Lana has a refreshing take on the usefulness of Idol as a medium of unearthing untalent: “Because it acts as a stepping stone for people who are just beginning their career or for those at the end of it. ” Quite.
Unless you’re a complete idiot, you’ll want to be heading over to Scott To Be Certain to read it all for yourself. More » Darren Hayes Denies Racial Abusing Thai Waiter, Defamer Australia Readers Vouch For Ex-Savage Garden Star’s Character
2:05PM Jess McGuire | In an unsurprising turn of events, Darren Hayes has “strenuously” denied unleashing a torrent of racially flavoured abuse at an employee of London restaurant Busaba Eathai.
In a statement a spokesperson for the singer said: “Darren is unable to comment to any extent as the incident is presently under investigation by the police, with whom he has cooperated fully.â€
The spokesperson continued: “However he is deeply upset at the allegation which he strenuously denies and anyone who knows Darren will recognise thatgm the particular nature of the allegation is totally abhorrent to him and contrary to everything for which he has stood.â€
And if you don’t believe Darren, then believe the good readers of Defamer Australia. Having gotten to know Darren from video clips like That Savage Garden Song With Nonsensical Lyrics Which Appeared On The Soundtrack Of That Juliette Lewis Film, to his more recent solo efforts like The One Where He Runs Around With A Ghettoblaster And Inflicts Pop On The British, our readers - like the nation - are positively behind Darren.
- Darren Hayes…racist…I think not. The man doesn’t have a mean bone in his body.
- Darren Hayes guilty of racism? I doubt it for one minute, he’s always been a huge advocate of human rights of all kinds, including anti racism
- I have no doubt these allegations are a lie. they go against everything he stands for. Darren Hayes wore the aboriginal flag to the Australian Olympics closing ceremony.
Sarcasm aside, we must say that it does sound rather unlike the Darren Hayes we’ve read about in the press all these years. We shall wait and see what the investigation concludes. More » Maroon 5 Frontman Finds Maria Sharapova’s Love Didn’t Actually Take Much Of A Toll On Him At All
1:56PM Jess McGuire | Adam Levine, a notorious Hollywood lothario who has horizontally prodded some of showbiz’s dumbest vaginal life support systems, proved himself to be quite the gentlemen when decided to kiss and tell to a British tabloid about his time with tennis player Maria Sharapova.
The grubby character has revealed intimate secrets of their sex life to explain why their brief courtship ended. And the pretty tennis star’s lack of volume in the bedroom tore the lovers apart.
Levine said: “She wouldn’t make any noise during sex. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she’d be the loud screaming type.”
Wait - are you saying that you thought she’d be a howler like most of the men you’ve slept with, Adam?
More » To Do: Bluejuice, Jugs, Swedes
12:30PM Anna King | • Music roundup: Bluejuice - living proof that strip club encounters can lead to loving and lasting relationships – pump it out on the east coast (Vitriol clip above). Round out a weekend of dancing like retards to great bands with shit names as the Midnight Juggernauts and Shout Out Louds accost Oz. • The Melbourne Writers Festival: so risqué there’s a dedicated UNDER-18s zone • Heads up: Chemical Brothers and Rocky Horror, alas on separate bills. More »
The Veronicas Dye Hair, Launch Single, Make It Okay For Your Seven-Year-Old To Dress Like A Tattooed Pop Punk Hottie, Too!
12:26PM Clem Bastow | Making hairdressing waves the magnitude of which have not been seen since Jessica Simpson went brunette, The Veronicas have given themselves follicular makeovers to celebrate the upcoming release of their new single, Hook Me Up. News Ltd is particularly thrilled with The Veronicas’ new ‘dos, providing a five-photo gallery devoted solely to that item (though we are more concerned with finding out just where Lisa has managed to get her hands on the “show only” Donna Karan pink lipstick, LOL VOGUE FORUMS).
However, as if that wasn’t exciting enough, the twin popstrelles will also be launching their Tarjay range (a kiddy/tween spin on the successful Designers For Target ranges that puts the “kinderwhore” back in kinder) tomorrow and plan to touch lots and lots of money in a special way.
They launch their new range for Target tomorrow at the Miranda store from 2.30pm and have even agreed to work the cash registers.
The report did not mention how Lisa and Jess plan to handle thrifty nannas paying entirely in five-cent-pieces, shoppers who can’t find their FlyBuys cards or shifty-looking women clutching each one of the pieces in every size whilst screaming down their phone something about “Ebay! Ebay!” More » 
Spicks And Specks National Tour Bringing Back-Slapping Comedian In-Joking Live To A Theatre Near You!
11:50AM Clem Bastow | In news that will delight mums nationwide, Adam “Nice” Hills and his streetwise crew will be taking so-light-it’s-weightless light entertainment music trivia show Spicks And Specks on the road.
Host Adam Hills, and panel members Alan Brough and Myf Warhurst will take the show, dubbed the Spicks and Speck-tacular, to Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, Newcastle and Perth from November to January.
The show boasts ramped up versions of some of the program’s most popular games, including a bigger bike for the Malvern Stars On 45 segment and a new take on the Substitute section, where people sing well-known songs with substitute lyrics taken from obscure texts.
However, those details are not the ones that got us particularly excited upon reading this particular announcement… More » Late Taronga Rhino Allegedly Followed In Paper-Eating Russian Models’ Footsteps By Feasting On Sand
11:18AM Clem Bastow | The Lord of zoos giveth and taketh away at Taronga Zoo. While ridiculously cute baby giraffe Jimiyu has arrived safely at the high-security resort with stunning harbourside views, an autopsy report has revealed that rhinoceros Kua - who died on June 4th this year - suffered a sadder fate than initially thought:
A rare rhinoceros at Sydney’s Taronga Zoo was pregnant, emaciated and ulcerated when she died, according to an autopsy report. Kua, a greater one-horned rhinoceros who died on June 4, also had the equivalent of about seventy litres of sand trapped in her large intestine, Fairfax newspapers report.
Zoo staff said questions about how so much sand ended up inside Kua were irrelevant.
“At the end of the day, what difference does it make?” asked Taronga Zoo’s senior veterinarian, Larry Vogelnest.
…
Sources within the zoo allege Kua developed the blockage by eating her sand-based bedding out of hunger.
The report noted that not until her autopsy was it discovered that she was nine months pregnant. The report also noted that Kua was on a carefully managed diet to prevent excessive weight gain.
The animal’s carers at the Zoo had noted that Kua seemed unhappy in her new home in the months before her untimely end. But before your itchy Animal Precinct finger gets a-dialling, the RSPCA did not find that the Zoo had breached any animal cruelty laws in their handling of the creature, making this just another sad dead rhinoceros story. We here at Defamer Australia hope that Kua is hanging out on the rainbow bridge and eating a delicious dessert that merely looks like sand. More » 
