Tuesday, July 17, 2007
To Violence Against Women – Australia Says Yes in Special Circumstances
6:07PM Busty St Clair | Matt Newton’s assault conviction has been overturned. The son of Australian TV legends Bert and Patti Newton pleaded guilty to punching Satchwell and pushing her into a wall while she begged him to stop on September 13 last year. On June 12, Mr Newton was given a 12-month good behaviour bond for the assault, but today challenged the conviction claiming it would have dire consequences for his career. Mr Newton’s lawyer Chris Murphy said his client suffered a breakdown about the same time his “love/hate” relationship with Satchwell ended. Well, Matt wouldn’t be the first person to crack it after getting dumped by a girl. But wait, there’s more…. New evidence tendered today showed Mr Newton had been in the care of a psychiatrist for more than six years. We here at Defamer would probably need to see a shrink too if we’d been living in the shadows of our famous father’s overly large head for that long as well. But the real kicker in this case, is that Newton’s lawyer argued the conviction should be overturned, because it might harm Matt’s career. Harm Matt’s career? HARM MATT’S CAREER? Can’t help but wonder why Paris Hilton’s lawyer didn’t try that one… or whether Nicole Richie will give it a go when she goes to court next month. Acting Judge Joseph Moore acknowledged Mr Newton’s fame before discharging him today. “It does not in any way lead the court to give any special consideration to his case because he is a person of high profile,” Mr Moore said. “On the other side of the coin, when people reach a position of what could be described as notoriety, they have an added responsibility to behave in a certain manner. “The way in which he has been given particular media attention has acted as a considerable measure of punishment which he has endured in a way that shows him great credit.” Mr Moore conceded that a criminal conviction could impact on Mr Newton’s chances of working overseas and accepted the actor was suffering a “severe depressive disorder” at the time of the offence. Mr Moore then upheld the appeal. Since Judge Joseph Moore in this case basically just handed we, the media, the power to punish Matt through the “attention” we give him, we’d love to be the first to dish up some celebrity justice. But we’ll hold back. Matt, now that you’re free to work without the hassle of a conviction hanging ominously over your head, please do us all a favour and piss off overseas. More »
Paul McCartney Chooses Lab Rats Over Cancer Patients
10:27AM Busty St Clair | Benevolent superstars must get really confused when their chosen charities have such conflicting priorities. Sir Paul McCartney has been donating his cash to many different cancer charities since his wife Linda died from the disease in 1998. But he’s just pulled support from several cancer funds, after discovering they tested on animals. The animal-loving star was shocked to find out organisations that had previously benefited from his generosity advocate vivisection. McCartney, a vegan, says, “It became very difficult when Linda died because I said I would support cancer charities. Animal rights groups then wrote to me pointing out that many were heavily into vivisection – and it’s true. A doctor we knew out in America just admitted it as a matter of fact, innocently, like ‘Well, sure we do.’ “What he doesn’t realise is that he won’t get a donation out of me for that very fact. There are better alternatives but you’re not allowed to challenge the status quo.” Are we to assume, then, that if doctors had been able to save Linda’s life with a medication that’d been tested on lab rats, Sir Paul would’ve kissed his wife goodbye and sung “Oh! Darling,” don’t “Twist And Shout,” “I’ll Cry Instead,” “Here Comes The Sun.” More »
A Slice Of Sandilands Flavoured Schadenfreude
10:14AM Jess McGuire | Along with items you might find in your own home such as hammers, screwdrivers, or spanners, Austereo radio host Kyle Sandilands is a common tool. Therefore, it pleased us very much to learn the following this morning via MediaWeek.
Kyle Sandilands revealed that he has lost his licence again. During a segment on the driving habits of truckies on 2Day FM this morning, Sandilands revealed he had recently received a letter indicating he had been caught speeding. He had only recently hit the road again after getting his licence back after a much-publicised run-in with a highway patrol officer. The new speeding breech means he automatically has to surrender his licence.
Never mind, Kyle. Sean John still loves you for staying loyal during those incredibly difficult and dramatic three hours in the Dreamworld compound! More » Shaun Ryder Comes To Sad Realisation That Rock ‘n Roll Ain’t No Fun When You’re Sober
10:11AM Busty St Clair | Ageing rocker Shaun Ryder of the Happy Mondays had made a startling discovery. He’s a boring old fart and going to gigs sober is not a hell of a lot of fun. Claps all around. It only took him 25 years to figure it out. “I outgrew the whole drug culture thing. I’d been at it since I was 13 or 14, so when I got to 40 it was time. It’s an age thing.” “I remember reading an interview with the Stones when I was younger and they were saying how they don’t listen to music or new bands anymore, and I though, ‘You boring old c**nts’. Now I’m a bit like that. I couldn’t think of anything worse now than going to a f**kin’ nightclub. You can’t order a drink. You have to queue up.” More »
Jason Donovan Desperate For Attention
10:00AM Busty St Clair | Ahhahahahahahaha. Poor Jason Donovan. He must still be so cut up that Little Miss Minogue is, like, way more famous than he is, even though once upon a time in Ramsay Street folklore they were both on equal footing. Apparently he’s desperate for a role on British sci-fi show Doctor Who. The former Neighbours actor and eighties pop hunk is hoping the show’s producers give him a call when the current doctor David Tennant leaves. He says, “I would love to play the doctor. It’s a great show. “Can you imagine an Aussie doctor?” Oh Jason, you poor pathetic soul. When Kylie does it, it’s cool. When you do it, it’s not. End of story. You lost the battle in 1993. ED: He will have his time to shine (again)! We are a fickle bunch here at Defamer Australia headquarters. Eleven days ago, we worshipped the Donovan. Now we mock him. Next week we will probably touch him inappropriately and then punch him in the nose before listening to Ten Good Reasons on repeat. More »
James Blunt Has Delusional New Girlfriend
9:09AM Jess McGuire | Tedious British singer-songwriter (and inexplicable ladies man) James Blunt has apparently landed himself a fresh girlfriend. Writes Sunday Mirror columnist Zoe…
I have met the newest girl that James Blunt has been calling Beautiful. Mika Simmons, 30, who is a holistic therapist, told me at a party last week: “It’s official, I am James’s girlfriend.”
Always ominous when a celebrity’s new lover approaches a tabloid columnist to make the relationship official, but go on.
With his new album All The Lost Souls out this autumn, it looks like James is settling down. I saw him with a different girl every night at the Cannes film festival in May, following his split from Czech model Petra Nemcova.
WHY?
But Mika, who was once an actress with bit parts in TV dramas Casualty and Bad Girls, has moved in to the singer’s Chelsea flat. She gushed to me: “How many girls wake up every day and get sung the most beautiful song in the world? Things are going really well.”
We’re not sure how many girls wake up every day and get sung the most beautiful song in the world, Mika, but one thing we can definitely conclude is that if you’re shagging James Blunt, you’re not one of them. More » 
If It’s Good Enough For Russell Crowe, It’s Good Enough For Paris Hilton
8:47AM Jess McGuire | Paris Hilton, chillaxing a bit before she no doubt begins building the Paris Hilton Playhouse For Sick Kids with CatAIDS, has been photographed learning to surf with Russell Crowe’s homeboy Koby Abberton.
Paris Hilton has a passion for surfing, thanks to Aussie big-wave rider and Bra Boys gang member Koby Abberton.
Abberton, Hilton’s coach, was last year given a nine-month suspended sentence in Sydney for lying to police over the killing of a local thug by his brother, Jai.
With Abberton’s girlfriend, model Tahyna Tozzi, watching, Hilton looked to master paddling at Malibu. But her devotion to the sport stopped at fashion, with Hilton electing to forgo a wetsuit for a skimpy bikini.
Thank god Koby’s girlfriend was there, or else we might have begun suspecting something untoward was happening. Actually, Koby’s not Greek-shipping-heir rich, so he probably wouldn’t have stood a chance. Surely Rob “Millsy” Mills was the first and last Australian to receive a Paris Hilton charity fuck?
Her friendship with Abberton began in Sydney this year. They sat next to each other while judging a bikini competition at Bondi in January, and have stayed in touch since.
Don’t all good friendships begin while judging a bikini competition? That’s how Defamer Australia and Jon English became besties. More » Lawsy’s Golden Microphone Has Been Stolen!
8:05AM Jess McGuire | It may well be the most daring heist since armed robbers stole Munch’s The Scream from a Norwegian museum – John Laws’ beloved golden mic has been nicked!
Wearing his gold-framed glasses and gold headphones and sipping from his gold-rimmed cup yesterday, veteran broadcaster John Laws was down one vital glistening item – his golden mike.
Police are treating as suspicious the disappearance from his production office of the $10,000 nine carat gold microphone presented to Lawsie in 2003 as a gift from 2UE management for his 50th year on the airwaves.
Generally speaking, as a rule we’d assume the disappearance of an item made of gold and worth $10,000 to be suspicious and probably wouldn’t need the police to inform us of this fact.
Thankfully, he has a “back up” golden microphone.
Laws has been using another golden microphone, given to him for his 40th anniversary, since the brazen bandit looted the king of his prized instrument. “I’m very upset about it. It’s been part of my life,” Laws said yesterday.
Lawsy just wants his microphone home safe and sound, and claims he won’t press charges. Now, we’re not pointing any fingers, but is Carson Kressley in the country for Melbourne Spring Fashion Week? More » Warwick Capper For Gold Coast City Mayor
7:20AM Jess McGuire | Former AFL star and reality television pants dropper Warwick Capper has thrown his hat gold hotpants into the ring for the upcoming Gold Coast City election, eyeing off the rather powerful position of mayor. So far, we can’t envision anything getting in the way of such an intelligent, respected man waltzing straight into the top (council) job.
Former AFL star Warwick Capper has turned his focus to politics, announcing he will run for mayor of the Gold Coast.
Capper, who has recently worked as a Gold Coast “meter man” topping up parking meters on the Queensland tourist strip, says he will run as a mayoral candidate in the Gold Coast City election next March.
He joins a growing list of challengers to mayor and former Olympian Ron Clarke, which also includes Elvis impersonator Dean Vegas, who unsuccessfully contested the 2004 election.
Uh-oh. First hurdle, Warwick. You’re going up against Dean Vegas? We saw Dean Vegas perform at North Sydney Leagues Club about four or five years ago, and the man is a walking charisma machine. Plus, he did this adorable thing where instead of singing “Return To Sender” he’d sing “Return My Blender” and HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA DO YOU SEE WHAT HE DID THERE?
“I’ve got a huge background over the last 22 years,” Capper told the Nine Network. “If Ron can do it, and an Elvis impersonator, why can’t I? A lot of people like me and respect me for what I did with the Swans, and a lot of kids like me.”
Newsflash, Capper – kids can’t vote.
Still, we’re pleased to discover Warwick Capper seems unafraid to begin grappling with the big issues.
Among the 44-year-old’s election policies are the legalisation of prostitution and the introduction of a curfew on the coast’s licensed venues. “I want to legalise prostitution, I think that would be a good thing,” Capper said. “I also want to clean the Gold Coast up. I think the clubs should be shut after 1am, it’s too late. There’s too many drugs and alcohol, we’ve got to clean up the streets for starters.”
We think he’s talking to you, Nick Bracks.
“I think they should clean up Schoolies week, it’s bad for the Gold Coast,” Capper said. “It’s good for revenue, getting kids here, but they need more things to do, like games to get off the alcohol and drugs. Get them into a bit of sport.”
Oh, Warwick. The Kids (TM) do not wish to finish their final exams and cruise on up to the Gold Coast only to unexpectedly find themselves partaking in a P.E class with a washed up footy player who will then offer to shout them a visit to a legal brothel!
They head up to the Gold Coast in order to drunkenly stumble along Cavill Avenue, use fake ID to get into Melbas, and then spend hundreds of their parent’s dollars buying drinks for permatanned private school girls in a doomed effort to find someone to lose their virginity to, before walking back home alone to the VB can filled apartment they’re sharing with another eight members of their footy team, throwing up, and passing out on the bathroom floor with their pants down… like God intended.
Of course, Warwick’s campaign is off to a shaky start.
Capper has his own domain name for his website, although his first name is spelt incorrectly. The address is warrickcapper.com.
Would you trust a man who can’t spell his own name?
“YES.”
Alright, would you trust a man who can’t spell his own name more than Dean Vegas the Elvis impersonator?
“RETURN MY BLENDER!” – LOL!
Exactly.
More » 
