Thursday, July 12, 2007
Kyle Sandilands Is Entering The Big Brother House?
8:49PM Jess McGuire | Sweet Jesus.
Australian Idol judge and radio host Kyle Sandilands has stepped up after receiving a call from Big Brother – and will enter the House this Saturday!
As the days and Housemates begin to dwindle in what’s left of Big Brother 2007, it’s time to get down to business.
Completely out of his Australian Idol comfort zone, Kyle will spend a few days in the Big Brother House where he will carry out his covert activities. The first instalment of Kyle’s adventure in the Big Brother House will be revealed on Sunday’s Daily Show, before the Housemates receive the shock of their lives and discover they must vote to evict one of their own.
He’d better not do anything while he’s in the house to make us like him, thus ruining a perfectly good one directional irrational eight year long hatefest. There were enough dicey moments in 2005’s Idol series, thank you very much.
We’re fairly sure we can count on him being a complete spankstain, though.
We kind of wish Michelle was still in the compound so she and Kyle could fight to the death*.
*NB. Not one or the other… both, please. The two of them simultaneously hitching a ride to Hades is quite a pleasing concept, we think.
PLEASE NOTE: We don’t really want them dead. Just silenced and/or shipped off to Nauru. More » 
It’s Been A While Since We Checked In On The Big Brother House
8:43PM Jess McGuire | Doesn’t Billy look like he’s enjoying himself?
More » ‘Sam In The City’ Name Change Mystery Solved!
8:27PM Jess McGuire | While we were researching* for yesterday’s thrilling piece about Bianca Dye’s new blog, we tried to find a link to highly respected Fairfax blogger Sam “Who Pays On The Second Date?/How Soon Should You Have Sex?/How To Text Message In A Way That Ensures A Proposal/Repeat As Necessary” Brett’s Sam In The City column online… only to discover it had gone and been replaced by something called Ask Sam.
At first we just assumed it was Sam’s sneaky way of getting the punters to come up with the material as the well of inane relationship anecdotes had truly been pumped dry. But it turns out we guessed wrong!
Sources tell us that the name was changed from Sam In The City to Ask Sam because HBO – the folk behind television show Sex And The City – felt it was a little too close to their big money spinner’s moniker and threatened to sue.
So now you know.
(We don’t want to be around when search engine Ask Jeeves hears about this.)
*Okay, Googling. Which is research for bloggers, you know. We don’t need facts, it just ain’t how we roll. More » Spice Girls Show Why They Weren’t Booked For The Live Earth Concert
8:12PM Jess McGuire | Seems like the newly reformed Spice Girls have chosen to slip on their giant platformed sneakers and stomp around the globe leaving carbon footprints to rival Madonna’s with news emerging that the lasses plan on flying from show to show in a private jet each.
The Spice Girls’ much-hyped reunion tour this year will be shadowed by five private jets, it has been revealed, just in case any of the old rivalry should spill over again.
Rather giving the lie to the happy talk of reconciliation and camaraderie at the launch of the tour, record label Virgin will lay on a quintet of Lear jets big enough to carry each of the Girls’ entourages, not least their seven children and collective nannies.
We can’t blame the girls for wanting to chillax during their travels without having to hear Mel B natter on and on about Eddie Murphy (”Wot’s he liiiike, then ay?”) or line up for the toilet every time nature calls because the heavily knocked up Emma Bunton can’t keep her legs crossed for more than five minutes before needing to find a lavatory quick sticks, etc.
We enjoy this particular bit of brutality in the article.
Fearing the ravages of time on what little talent the Spice Girls previously had, their vocals will be broadcast via computer software that will correct any bum notes in less than one-tenth of a second.
Are they insinuating that perhaps, just perhaps, the Spice Girls are not a posse of vocally skilled feminists with a sharp sense of fashion and keen business acumen?
Under the format, A-list celebrities from around the world including Elton John and Robbie Williams in the UK and P Diddy and Mariah Carey in the US, ask questions of the girl band during live crosses.
Our imagination has already run wild.
Robbie Williams: Where’s my career gone? Can I have that Red Bull in your rider?
P Diddy: (waving arms in air) Spice Girls, Spice Girls! We love you! We respect you! CAN YOU TAKE US TO THE BRIDGE?! More » Daniel Johns Learns An Important Lesson – Huffing Bongs With Bono And Peter Garrett Will At Some Point Come Back To Haunt Your Vocal Chords
4:45PM Jess McGuire | Of course, we jest somewhat. Daniel and friends prefer a nicely rolled joint to a bong Daniel never inhaled in the company of renown drug hating celebrities Bono and Peter Garrett MP.
Nevertheless, things are not good in the world of Johns’ throat, as Silverchair’s performance of Straight Lines on Jay Leno’s show will attest. Although we’d never really liked Silverchair in the past, the release of Straight Lines saw Defamer Australia become freakishly obsessed with the song back in March, and we still hold it in high esteem.
In fact, when people ask us how our attempt to quit smoking is going, we quite often break into the first few lines of the chorus. We then follow this with a spot on imitation of Daniel Johns’ shoulder shimmy in the break down bit of the video clip, and then find ourself apologising profusely to friends and loved ones for once again horrifying them with our complete idiocy.
MOVING ON.
Check out the less than stellar vocals in Silverchair’s performance of Straight Lines on Leno after the jump, kids. More » 
Even Supermodels Get The Fugs
3:56PM Busty St Clair | Maybe we’re bitter, but we love seeing rich and beautiful people fuck-up their fashion choices. This particular type of Schadenfreude is one of the reasons why the Fug ladies are so popular Stateside. But it gives us even greater pleasure when an Aussie blips on their radar, which brings us to this. What the fuck is that on Elle MacPherson’s arm? It looks like some kind of oil spill. And the top of that dress looks a bit like a garbage bag. But, dear reader, it gets oh-so-much worse after the jump. More »
You’re Getting Old, John.
12:53PM Jess McGuire | Our nation’s beloved and esteemed Prime Minister exhibited signs of memory loss this morning during an interview with ABC radio in Tasmania.
John Howard made an embarrassing start to his whistle-stop tour of Tasmania when he forgot the name of the Liberal candidate for the seat of Franklin in the state’s southeast.
Mr Howard hesitated on ABC radio this morning when he was asked to name candidate Vanessa Goodwin.
“I support all of my Liberal colleagues,” he replied before he was interrupted and asked again to name Dr Goodwin.
He then admitted: “I don’t know.”
Other things forgotten by John Howard over the years.
- the milk
- wedding anniversary
- human decency More » 
The Pope Preaches Love and Tolerance For All (Only If You’re Catholic)
12:01PM Busty St Clair | So the Pope Benedict XVI reckons his church is better than the rest Protestants can’t properly call themselves churches, while orthodox churches can but are “wounded”, the Vatican says in a document released yesterday. The new document, issued by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, which the Pope used to head, reaffirms traditional teaching that the Roman Catholic Church is the only true church — though “elements of truth” are found in separated churches. The Anglicans have replied with equal maturity. “Of course, they would think that — we think they’re a bit dodgy, too, but we’ve come a long way from saying the Pope is the antichrist. In Sydney, we get on well (with the Catholics) because we both accept there are irreconcilable differences. But that doesn’t stop us loving each other.” Hmmm. Loving each other, fine. But hopefully not “knowing” each other… in the Biblical sense. More »
Prince Harry Cops A Ribbing For Being A Redhead
11:47AM Busty St Clair | Seems Prince Harry’s been copping some flack for having red hair. A 14-year old girl who met the Prince after she won the Diana Award for her work helping other kids cope with bullying, reckons the Ginger Prince told her he gets called names for being a ‘ranga. She revealed: “Prince Harry came up to our table and he asked me what I had got the award for. I said it was for counselling fellow pupils and helping children who had been bullied. “He asked if he could come and get some counselling because he gets bullied for being ginger. I didn’t know what to say and I just laughed.” Apparently Harry’s Army mates have nicknamed him the “Ginger Bullet Magnet”. Even more disturbingly, his girlfriend Chelsea Davy calls him “Big Ginger”. We can only assume that means the carpet matches the drapes. More »
Catherine Zeta-Jones Explains How Michael Douglas Managed To Get In Her Pants
11:39AM Jess McGuire | It’s time to add another chapter to The Big Book Of Deeply Moving Celebrity Love Stories, because Catherine Zeta-Jones has revealed the magically seductive pick up line thrown her way by Hollywood’s favourite sex addict Michael Douglas.
In an interview with US magazine Parade due out this Sunday, Zeta-Jones, routinely voted one of the world’s sexiest women, relates how Douglas wooed her with the some would say cheesy line, ‘I want to father your children.’
Clearly Zeta-Jones wasn’t thinking straight when she found herself swooning at the notorious wick-dipper’s one liner, because in practical terms Douglas was essentially saying “Allow me to place my old man penis inside you, shuffle about for a while, and then leave a sticky mess which in nine months time will result in a small creature who will both scream and defecate incessantly for a tediously lengthy amount of time.”
“Months later, we were dating, and I was already in love with him,” she told the magazine. “But there was one thing I had to be sure of. I turned to him and said, ‘Do you really want children?’ And I thought, for that one minute, he was going to say, ‘I already have a son, Cameron,’ and I would have to say goodbye. “I remember saying defiantly, ‘I cannot live without having children.’ And he went, ‘Me too’.”
“Me too” – a rapidly ageing man’s way of saying “Oh god, let me just touch it once before I die, I beg of you.”
PS: For the record, we actually quite like Michael Douglas. More » 