Friday, July 6, 2007
What Woman Wouldn’t Want To be On The Front Cover Of FHM?
4:59PM Jess McGuire | One of our favourite songwriters – and MySpazz chum – Stephen Cummings recently posted a blog entry on the site in which he recalled his experience working with Melissa Tkautz. It is, to put it bluntly, quite brilliant.
“what woman wouldn’t want to be on the front cover of FHM?”“Cumming’s written songs for and toured with a ballet company, and written jingles while dabbling in record production. His last job as a producer was working with soap pop singer Melissa Tkautz, whom he describes as the ideal talent because she spent most of the day shopping and only came into the studio to quickly cut vocal tracks.”
Rolling Stone magazine.
That’s true. Regrettably, the recordings were never made available. I do have a copy; perhaps I’ll stick it on this site. In essence, Melissa sounds like Kylie. You must recall “Read My Lips” and “Sexy Is The Word”. It was a surreal experience. What was Melissa like? She was stunning; she had incredibly translucent skin. She was really other worldly.
Or perhaps that’s because Richard Wilkins accompanied her. Yes him. He was her manager or adviser or Svengali. Melissa’s most memorable quote was, “what woman wouldn’t want to be on the front cover of FHM?” Exactly, or damned straight as you young folk say.
Anyway, it was Melissa and the guys from ‘Filthy Lucca’ of “Treaty” fame – Gavin, Paul & Goodgie and myself. We wrote one song and re-arranged some other track. Gavin, who ran many gay clubs round Melbourne took her shopping. Melissa loved his jeans.
Anyway, in due course she had to sing and I went in to the studio with only the engineer and tried to coax her through the songs. It was a hard slog. She was very nervous and her voice wasn’t great. That of course was unimportant. Nevertheless, she had to bring some feeling to the track.
Richard Wilkins dug his elbow into my ribs, “Do you mind,” he whispered and snapped his finger on the talkback button. He immediately berated and cajoled and sweet-talked and threatened Melissa. I was fascinated and repelled. Would I have to punch this cad?
No, as it turned out. The engineer rolled the tape and she sang it with as much emotion as she was capable off and rushed in to get a big hug from her mainman. He did what PC me could never do, and what was more annoying it worked. They racked off to the Como for drinks and we got Kyle’s backing singers in to double everything. She was nice, just very young and very confused and what was she doing with him?
Oh yeah, every chemist seems seems to have that Is it fat or is it fluid? slogan plastered across there windows. In my case its fluid. No really.
S.
Stephen also once described seeing Kylie and Jason with the following wonderfully expressive words.
Long ago I was on a plane heading for Sydney, sitting in front of me were, Kyle and Jason. They were both dressed in white and had matching panama hats. When they stood up they looked like melting icecream cones. That’s true. She was very tiny. I realise this recollection is hardly earth shattering. But doesn’t it make you feel good to know I care?
Yes it does, Stephen. Yes it does. More » 
Pussycat Doll Doesn’t Get Hit On By Men
4:00PM Jess McGuire | Nicole Scherzinger, from girl group extraordinaire the Pussycat Dolls (once described by website HolyMoly as “herpes in a halter neck”), has told reporters that menfolk just don’t put the moves on her.
The Don’t Cha singer admitted that men are scared of her “no-nonsense” attitude and decide to stay away.
“Guys are usually frightened of me so I don’t get hit on a lot,” Nicole explained. “I think as a female, if you carry yourself a certain way, you don’t get that. If you show that you are no-nonsense and mean business, guys are less likely to bother with you. It’s all about the energy you are putting out there.”
In other possibly unrelated news, the Pussycat Dolls are repellent. More » 
Sucking Off Hugh Grant Will Put You On The Road To Success
3:30PM Jess McGuire | If Divine Brown has taught us anything – and amongst other things, she taught us that Hugh Grant’s penis was “cute”, a bit of information Liz Hurley churlishly chose to deny sharing with the gossip hungry globe – it is that giving the star of Four Weddings And A Funeral a cheap gobby in the back of a beamer can lead to financial security and worldwide glory beyond your wildest dreams!
Brown told London’s The Daily Telegraph the $60 “trick” with Grant was a “blessing”.
She told how she moved from a modest apartment in her native Oakland, California, to a four-bedroom home with three bathrooms near Beverly Hills.
Her two daughters Cheyenne, now 18, and 17-year-old Brianna, were put through private school with the fortune she made from newspapers and TV companies.
The garage housed a Rolls-Royce and a Mercedes-Benz. She bought a mink coat on Rodeo Drive and wore diamond earrings and diamonds around her neck, ankles and even on her feet.
Blingin’! Divine goes on…
“I love Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant put my kids through school, gave us a chance of the life we probably would’ve never reached.
“If I can meet him and shake his hand all I would like to say is: ‘Thank you. If there is anything I can do in return I would love to be a friend’.”
Handshake? Why not sort out your retirement nest egg now by making it a handjob!? More » ATTENTION: CONSTITUENTS IN THE ELECTORIAL DIVISION OF BENNELONG
12:42PM Jess McGuire | Not entirely sold on Maxine McKew, but would rather cut off your genitals before taking a dip in the Dead Sea than vote for John Howard in the upcoming Federal election?
There’s a new candidate in town!
Meet Fern, the mildly retarded cat. She’s going (furry) head to (bald) head with the Prime Minister, and frankly – we think she’s ace!
Says Fern’s owner and campaign manager…
Fern’s plays, runs, eats, sleeps, purrs and is currently sitting on my shoulder making a wet ear. She is just like any normal cat, except she is a little slower, and has been diagnosed professionally as perhaps having some brain issues (I am tippy toeing around the wording here as people get all PC on us).
She was diagnosed by a number of Vet’s who have checked her up since the original rescues, and she has a couple of physical abnormalities. Her tongue, her teeth, her balance all have issues, she is not mentally as alert as the other cats and is therefore vulnerable and slower… but she is happy and lively. She is my cat.
Interestingly, there’s a poll on the site which shows that John Howard would not only be soundly beaten by Fern if an election was held today, but also The Zany Kids From Hi 5 and the 1983 Parramatta Eels team. He’d be equal with a giant novelty sheep though, so that’s good news for the Liberals.
Defamer Australia wholeheartedly supports Fern. Bless her and all who sail in her.
More » The Dramatic Chipmunk Is Dead, Long Live The Dramatic Chipmunk
12:26PM Jess McGuire | We’re well aware the Dramatic Chipmunk has “jumped the shark” (click here to see him do so in a literal Happy Days fashion) but as a kind tipster pointed out, “this particular dramatic chipmunk deserves an Emmy”.
Doesn’t it though?
Please also enjoy a “Best Of” created in honour of the furry little nugget of comedy goodness. More » 
Short Ends: Slow Down, Kid! It’s Not Like A Truck Full Of Nazis Is Chasing Us!
12:14PM Defamer Hollywood | · There was a time when a pompadoured Harrison Ford would’ve been steering that bike instead of hanging on to the waist of some punk kid for dear life and looking scared shitless. Sigh. · One of the things we missed the most during Paris Hilton’s incarceration were her socially responsible, anti-drunk-driving blog posts. We thank God every day she’s free again. More »
Angry Fucking Bay Blog Posts Are Coming Down
11:59AM Defamer Hollywood | Never one to shy away from using his minimalist web presence as a virtual megaphone through which he can shout at either the international movie stars or internet dickwads who displease him, Michael Bay blogged up some choice words for Transformers producers Tom DeSanto and Don Murphy late last Friday. However, once cooler, gloriously coiffed fauxteur heads prevailed, Bay removed the post, thinking better of airing his grievances in public. But through the magic of the internets, Deadline Hollywood Daily’s Nikki Finke has recovered the text of the director’s complaints about how he felt the producers were unfairly claiming credit for the movie’s blowing-shit-up vision. An excerpt: Now that the movie is done I get strange questions from the press. Like ‘how did Tom control the set’? What? ‘How did Tom and Don control you?’ What the fuck. ‘How was it working with Tom and Don who knew Transformers so well?’ ‘We heard Tom wrote the story – he had a 90 page treatment, right?’ Okay stop. Let me take you back in time. Tom and Don are very nice guys, but let’s get some facts straight. More »
Gucci Hires David Lynch To Terrify And Confuse Consumers Into Buying New Perfume
10:40AM Defamer Hollywood | Director and awards season cow wrangler David Lynch makes no secret of how he feels about the encroachment of corporate interests upon his stubbornly abstruse cinematic meditations. (Quoth: “Bullshit. Total fucking bullshit.”) That isn’t to say that he’s above whoring himself out for the occasional contract work, however, as he has agreed to direct a TV spot for a new Gucci perfume, according to a press release from the fashion house’s unsexy parent-company, Procter & Gamble. From The Stylephile blog: Lynch, 61, will direct the next Gucci commercial for its latest eponymous perfume. Gucci’s parent company Procter & Gamble released a statement which indicated why the man who forever immortalised a severed ear in “Blue Velvet” should tackle the task: “Lynch was selected for his holistic ability as an artist, his professional experience and knowledge, his never-ending research for beautiful images, his use of music and his modernity.” More »
