RE: YOUR SUNDAY AND MONDAY NIGHT INTERVIEWS WITH JAMIE.

What the FUCK is your problem, woman?

You are behaving like a snide little bully and it's not interesting, it's quite hideous and painful to watch. If Jamie looked like Bodie, would you be behaving in the same manner toward him?

We used to love you, Gretel, but you're acting like a menopausal harpy and we are contemplating an emergency trip to the Gold Coast in order to bathe you in Holy Water and cast out whatever snarling demon has taken you over.

Yours,

Defamer Australia

PS: You needn't have looked so appalled when Jamie very casually and totally not creepily mentioned that a radio station had asked him if you two were having an affair. While we're surprised Jamie managed to hear your hurtful response considering you barked it down from the lofty heights of your high horse, it's important to remember that you fucked Saxon, and thus the public and media secretly thinks every evictee is a potential paramour for you.

PPS: Endemol Southern Star? Please give her stress leave. A nice massage. A bottle of wine. A voucher for a meditation class. Whatever. But for fucks sake, help your host get her shit together because we're gonna find it extremely hard to defend her current demeanor to the legion of Gretel haters out there.

For a very brief moment, we thought Jamie had very succinctly torn Joel a new one in his goodbye video.

Joel. Joel, I really don't like you I never have.

We gasped in excitement, but further down the transcript, the truth was revealed.

Joel, I was only joking, you know that. You're more than just a funny guy. Let everyone see the real Joel. Whip him out, let everyone have a look. That's all I can say.

Because we're bitterly disappointed Jamie's farewell message didn't contain anything controversial, we're going to choose to believe that his last instruction to Joel - "Whip him out, let everyone have a look..." - is about Joel's penis.

In other news, how's the homo-erotic tension between Joel and Billy? Huh? It can't be just us who saw it on the Daily Show last night! They run out to the back yard to hold each other, they love nothing better than stripping off and spa-ing together... they are definitely secretly bumming each other and Aleishshaisheesshsseaaaaaaaa or whatever the fuck her name is has been employed by Billy as a beard in true Scientology fashion.

Perhaps he is bribing her with lollies he saved from the period he was nicking stuff from the other housemates? We don't bloody know. We just like a good, ridiculous conspiracy theory now and then. It makes things more tolerable and infinitely more watchable once you're madly hunting for a rainbow-coloured subtext in every interaction.

Big Brother's resident nerd Jamie was evicted last night from the house. Here's a few things we noted during the eviction show, delivered in snappy point form as our brain is functioning at low speed due to suffering nicotine withdrawals.

- Jamie, you cannot blame EVERYTHING on alcohol. We know this for a fact, because we have tried it repeatedly in our own life and it gets real old, real quick.

- Hey Gretel, could you make your dislike of Jamie anymore obvious?

- You could? Oh, wonderful!

- We like Jamie in a theoretical sense, but find him quite difficult to watch in a David Brent sort of way.

We also don't believe this for a minute.

Big Brother housemate Jamie says he is such a nerd that when he worked at a sex shop during his university years, he would ignore the racks of pornographic magazines to pour over his text books.

We assume Jamie's version of not masturbating over porn mags is quite similar to his version of "not crying" ie: TOTALLY LEGITIMATE.

We'd like to introduce you to two new superstars-in-the-making. Austin and Dylan are young American lads who are not only skilled dramatic performers (see the role play that goes on for the first minute or so in the below clip), but also quite brilliant at boy band-esque dance moves and heartfelt balladeering. Is balladeering a word? We don't care. Point being, they are our "hot tip" for the future.

We look forward to their inevitable appearance on American Idol at some point during the next ten seasons.

Thanks for the heads up, WLJ!