Tom Cruise To Marry Jamie Packer!

But not in a gay way, because both men are enthusiastic vagina hunters* and don’t you forget it.

We’ve held off writing about James Packer’s impending nuptials to fellow Scientology follower Erica Baxter because to be honest, we’ve been too swept up in the excitement of it all to pause our hyperventilation and actually sit down at the keyboard to bang out some rubbish about their love affair.

But today’s twist to the wedding story is simply too good, and so we’ve huffed on an inhaler and applied ourselves accordingly.

The A-list guests for James Packer’s wedding to Erica Baxter flooded into the French Riviera yesterday, ready for days of celebration and relaxation.

One guest yet to arrive last night, however, was Tom Cruise, who if US media reports are to be believed could find himself promoted from guest to celebrant.

Women’s Wear Daily claims Cruise is now at the highest level of Scientologist, which would allow him to perform the wedding ceremony for fellow L. Ron Hubbard follower Mr Packer.

This revelation has sent our party thetans into fits of glee.

We are simply so excited at the idea of Tom Cruise being the one who turns to the bridegroom to utter the following words (which are part of a traditional Scientology wedding ceremony) “Now, James, girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat. All caprice if you will, but still they need them.”

Because frankly, those words tickle us more than we could ever express. Perhaps a cat! PERHAPS A CAT! IT NEVER GETS OLD!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA x a billion

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*Phrase courtesy of our lover Simon Amstell.