Someone We Don’t Really Care All That Much About Has Left The Country In Shame

Fans of Candice Alley Falzon (what does she do, exactly?) will be distressed to hear that she is abandoning our golden shores and heading overseas for a while.

A new-look Candice Falzon will attempt a new start when she lines up for a British life-saving championship competition this month.

The sometime athlete will leave Sydney mid-month for a four-week working holiday, in a bid to renew her focus on an athletics career and distance herself from the scandal that threatened her family-life, lucrative sponsorship deals and public face.

“What scandal do they speak of?” we hear you asking. Allow us to copy and paste further.

The incident that led to the profound embarrassment of both Falzon and Canterbury star Sonny Bill Williams happened at the the Easter long weekend.

Bulldogs players, including Williams, Willie Mason, Ben Roberts and Reni Matua, decided they would have some late afternoon beers at one of their favourite haunts – the Clovelly Hotel, which was already packed with drinkers escaping the rain.

……….

A grainy mobile phone photograph, which showed Falzon and Williams inside the toilet cubicle, was soon being widely circulated and when it was published on The Daily Telegraph’s website, it attracted a record number of hits.

Having been caught manhandling doodle during drunken nights out with footballers at the Clovelly Hotel a couple of times in the past, we can thoroughly sympathise with Candice and we wish her all the best at the British life-saving championships.

… they have life-saving competitions in Britain? Presumably they’re held in fish and chip shops, and involve the use of the Heimlich manoeuvre to dislodge rogue chunks of fried Mars Bars from the throats of pasty-faced Manchester United fans.