Late June-Early July: Paris Hilton emerges from jail, defiantly staring the paparazzi down thanks to the new inner fortitude she created with 23 days of solitude. She declares she’s a changed person, quotes extensively from the works of the great thinkers and moralists, whose iTune condensed books she’s listened to while in stir. She announces her party girl days are over: from here on in she’s going to work tirelessly to make the world a better place. The media coverage is 24/7 and so many Americans are glued to the coverage that Michael Bay’s Transformers stumbles at the box office.

August: Paris ventures to the West Bank and Gaza strip. Mesmerized by her doe-eyed radiance and total hotness, Jews and Palestinians agree to truce talks – and a long autograph and photo session.

September: In Darfur, Paris brings tears to the eyes of the veteran press pack as she cradles an undernourished teen. “Time was,” she says, “I would’ve thought this body image was so hot. Now: not.”

October: It’s announced that the $25m proceeds from Paris’s jail diary – This Is Not A Hilton: Paris From The Inside Out – will be donated to Concepteurs Sans Frontiers, the new fashion-for-all charity established by Project Runway winner Jeffrey Sebelia.
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November: Paris hosts a summit meeting at the Chateau Marmont. In attendance are former enemies and rivals of all stripes. Nicole Ritchie takes a seat by Lindsay Lohan. Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston embrace for the world’s media. Mahmoud Abbas and Moshe Katsav use Fidel Castro’s Blackberry to take a photo of themselves playfully arm-wrestling. After three gruelling days of talks, the 2008 Isn’t Enough manifesto is released. It promises an end to conflict, hunger, poverty and a significant reduction in celebrity DUI incidents.

December: Due to deliver a keynote address to the UN General Assemby, Paris fails to appear. Rumours of kidnap and assassination firecrotch around the globe. But Paris is found, passed out and pantyless, on the dance floor of Dama Scene Conversion, the hot new warehouse club. Paris is rushed to hospital. Sadly, the Charity Is So 2007 backlash begins.

Oh for her to get shanked….