Not that we're sadists or anything, but this has to be the most amazing and hilarious capturing of the sounds of pain we've ever heard.

That'll learn her for cheekily cheating.

And how sincere are the morning hosts back in the studio?

You can just guess how giddy with excitement we were when we spied a headline like Sting entraps more Skype sex predators, can't you?

Immediately we were swept away by the image of Tantric yoga's elder statesman settling down at a computer, ear piece and microphone at the ready, wiling away the evenings chatting to dirty kiddy fiddlers in a high-pitched voice. Finally, after winning their trust and completely fooling them with his Oscar worthy performance, he gets them to agree to a meeting at an abandoned warehouse.

Hours later, the nasty rock spider with an evil glint in his eye arrives at the meeting place... only to be accosted by Sunhill's finest! Sterling work, Sting! Yet another pedophile off the streets! Next up, New York City! And perhaps an album with a dedication in the liner saying "In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. When it comes to Skype, the dedicated detective who investigates these vicious felonies is a member of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit feat. Celebrities Crimefighters. This is his story put to adult orientated pop music..."

DUNK DUNK!

But it's a proper un-celebrity related news story about slimy Australian arsewipes getting their evil arses caught by the coppers. Which is good stuff, but sadly lacks any Gordon Sumner angle at all.

... here's some lovely YouTube footage of American newsreader Mika Brzezinski hitting the fucking roof over being told she has to lead with yet another story about Paris Hilton.

Personally, we applaud her for being savvy enough to carry a lighter with her at all times, on the off chance that unpleasing documents will perhaps cross her path during her working week and require immediate igniting.

If you're really keen on looking into the tantalising news.com.au headline Indepth: Princess Diana - 10 years on, then we suggest you click here and research the afternoon away.

But for those of you with time constraints, we can summarise it by saying - 10 years on, she's still not alive. Will update you if anything changes, though.

There's nothing we internerds hate more than when a nonsensical web joke slowly crawls its way to the mainstream media, who then analyse it within an inch of its life and completely kill any of its charm. The latest victim?

LOLcats. We were right the hell into 'em "back in the day" but reading this description of why they're funny just threw a damp old blanket on the phenomenon.

"It's important to remember that some of these pictures would be hilarious without any caption at all, just due to the 'cute and fuzzy' factor of the cats themselves," he says.

"However, I think the real beauty comes with the captions. The child-like grammar tends to evoke the sort of sympathy one has for any child or foreigner struggling with the language one speaks.

"In the same way that a child saying 'Miss teacher, I has a stomach ache' is cute, these image captions are cute. When cats are making grammatical errors, it's just a whole new layer of cute."

Urge to laugh... fading... fading...

Here's a detailed guide as to the different types of LOLcats, courtesy of News Ltd.

LOLcat lingo

There are a few regular types of LOLcat jokes, all of which are written in internet slang or "kitty pidgin".

The most popular type is in the form "I'm in your X, Ying your Z", such as "Im in ur fridge, eatin ur foodz” over a picture of a cat in a refrigerator.

Another is the "invisible X", such as "invisible swimming pool" with a picture of a cat caught in mid-air and looking as if it was practising freestyle stroke.

Another involves the phrase "let me show you them", where "them" refers to an object the cat is obsessive about.

Just wait til they do a retrospective on the amazing I Has A Bucket trend of yesteryear!

What's the new LOLcat, by the way? We understand that Dramatic Chipmunk has also jumped the shark, you see, and we're craving some new idiocy.

In the end, CNN Grand Inquisitor Larry King did not, as we'd briefly dared to dream, douse himself in lantern oil and set his body aflame during his much-anticipated post-incarceration exclusive with Paris Hilton, as tantalising as the prospect must have seemed after about thirty seconds of lobbing his softballs in the heiress's direction and watching them disappear into a dead-eyed abyss.

Read More »

Just moments ago, internet-based celebrity toxicology-analysis firm TMZ.com exclusively revealed that Lindsay Lohan, whose extended imprisonment at a minimum security Malibu facility has been unfairly overshadowed by an attention-whoring rival's brief, court-ordered vacation in an unfashionable part of town, may have been under the influence of alcohol and drugs during her Memorial Day Weekend joy ride:

According to multiple law enforcement sources, toxicology reports conclude that Lohan, 20, had "nearly twice the legal limit" of alcohol and traces of blow in her bloodstream when she crashed her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 convertible into a curb on Sunset Blvd. around 5:30 AM on May 26.

Read More »

While acquiring a stalker is generally a luxury afforded to Hollywood's A-list, occasionally a celebrity whose once-hot career has cooled manages to collect an unwanted admirer. Rarer still is when the overzealous fan comes from within the entertainment industry itself, where people are often too jaded by constant exposure to talent and too busy with their jobs to be bothered with the time-consuming task of collecting the personal relics (locks of hair, used cotton balls, third-grade report cards and what-have-you) necessary to build an acceptable shrine to the object of their obsession. However, today's NY Daily News Gatecrasher column claims that Little Black Book star Brittany Murphy has not only garnered a stalker of her own, but that he's the Hollywood insider kind:

A source who used to work for the perky star says she talks darkly of "a high-powered Hollywood player" who is allegedly stalking her. And when her then-boyfriend, Simon Monjack, disappeared for 10 days in April, Murphy claimed he had been kidnapped by agents of this mysterious figure, says the source.

Read More »

What, you may or may not find yourselves wondering, could agitprop documentary director Michael Moore possibly have in common with guerrilla-comedy king Sacha Baron Cohen? Quite a bit, it just so happens, as a chance encounter at last year's Toronto International Film Festival led to a mutual gush-a-thon between the two mischief-making filmmakers:

Cohen told Moore he had drawn inspiration from the filmmaker's documentaries, in which Moore doggedly pursues corporate and political bosses and puts himself into uncomfortable situations.

Read More »

The prosecution in the Phil Spector trial spent the better part of the day aggressively trying to discredit defence witness Dr. Vincent DiMaio (pictured), a forensics expert and author of a book on gunshot wounds, who insists the only way Barbarian Queen star Lana Clarkson could have died the night she followed an insistent Spector to his castle-like manse was by placing the gun in her mouth and pulling the trigger herself. DiMaio cited both physical and circumstantial evidence, including the fact that the aging actress seemed depressed over her dwindling career prospects - at which point the world's most ubiquitous ex-con socialite made an unexpected cameo:

[Deputy District Attorney Alan] Jackson projected on a huge courtroom screen dazzling professional photos of Clarkson showing her in numerous glamorous poses, head shots intended to promote her career.

Read More »

Reaction to Paris Hilton's first post-Lynwood TV interview came swiftly, with the majority of critics finding the model/singer/social person's Larry King Live performance somewhat lacking in the sincerity department. A round-up from around the web: · Hilton's life is described as a "virtual pop opera," but the interview is found to be sorely lacking on "crucial points" such as her claustrophobia, her reported $US1 million interview asking price, and the fact that all her writings looked suspiciously to be scrawled in the penmanship of Elliot Mintz - suggesting her P.R. manservant had pulled an all-nighter forging 23 days worth of inspirational, jail cell scribblings. [LAT]

Read More »

Grey's Anatomy casualty Isaiah Washington certainly hasn't been keeping quiet about his unceremonious shitcanning from the ABC series, having repeatedly broken his silence on the subject, clarified his silence-breaking, and further appended those clarifications to any news outlet still interested in listening. Until now, the target of his fury was gay mastermind T.R. Knight, whom he had accused of single-handedly orchestrating one of the most ingenious behind-the-scenes power plays in recent, horny-doctor-drama history. In an exclusive interview with Newsweek, however, Washington reveals how nothing in this workplace disaster was what it seemed:

Washington now says that his "homophobia reprogramming" wasn't exactly what it seemed. "There is no rehab for homophobia - that was just some crap being put out by the network," he says. "I went into an executive counselling program which many people in this industry know about and go to. They knew what the program was but chose to call it what they wanted to fit their agenda. [...]

Read More »

Despite a seven-figure backing from her network, Meredith Vieira's post-prison Paris Hilton interview was never meant to be. In its place, the Today host would have to settle for the manic comic stylings of Robin Williams (expertly compiled into the above montage by Gawker Media videologist, Alex Goldberg). Amidst his delightful monkeyshines, the actor claims that nothing stronger than caffeine is coursing through his veins - a claim we are prepared to swallow more readily than a similar one made recently by John Stamos, who's been wielding giant glass dildos and generally running amok with KAK. It's a vivid reminder that one needn't partake in drugs and alcohol to make a prolific amount of comedy - though they do tend to help immensely in making it seem funny.

• License to Laughs [Today]

The Defamer Special Correspondent on Holy Objects Consecrated by Celebrity Martyrs submitted this image of a blessed relic resulting from the chaotic, yet spiritually transformative, scene surrounding the site of Hilton's TV appearance yesterday, where the persecuted heiress was publicly flayed by faithless CNN inquisitor Larry King. Soon, pilgrims from all over the world will flock to the Wooden Cart of Our Lady Paris and leave their names on its modest surface, a journey that will forever connect them with others in the community of believers dedicated to mindfully retracing the sainted socialite's footsteps on her journey towards primetime self-sacrifice.

· Contrary to a previous report, the head of Germany's Bundesanstalt fuer Immobilienaufgaben says that the government won't stop Tom Cruise and his Valkyrie production from shooting on their historical military sites because he's a Scientologist, and should grant the movie a film permit as long as Cruise promises that any massage-and-Dianetics tents he plans on installing on their set won't distract members of the Ministry of Defence from their day-to-day duties. [Variety] · On Wednesday night, Fox's dancing competition triumphs over ABC's celebrity-impersonator and insane-inventor competitions, as well as NBC's struggling-comedian competition. Please, do yourself a favour and cover your television in a sheet that you swear not to remove until September. [THR] · The following elements have been attached to Body of Lies, an adaptation of a CIA-set novel by David Ignatius: actor Russell Crowe; actor Leonardo DiCaprio; director Ridley Scottl screenwriter William Monahan. [Variety] · Do you ache for more Tom Selleck MOW appearances? Suffer no more, for CBS has ordered another installment of the actor's Jesse Stone series. [THR] · Hunky-but-still-serious actor Ryan Gosling joins Mummy refugee Rachel Weisz in Peter Jackson's adaptation of The Lovely Bones. [Variety]

· First Cavemen, now Jim Belushi. What new ways will ABC find to humiliate George Lopez? · A bizarre twist in a thoroughly unpleasant story. · Paris Hilton: The NDA. · Here's an early-ish review of Transformers; we're not entirely sure, but we suspect that when a reviewer says he wants to "hunt down Michael Bay and stab him in the face-eye", it's not necessarily a rave. · NBC rock star Ben Silverman: The Simpsons character.

Even though we're painfully aware of how little reality is involved in the production of reality television, we're nonetheless a little saddened that a reader ruined Spray-Bronzer Christmas by forwarding us this casting notice revealing the people we'll eventually... Read More »

The already ferocious industry competition for our city's scarce iPhone supply may have just become much fiercer with the addition an utterly ruthless player to the market: Sources tell us that CAA has dispatched up to 10 assistants to... Read More »