This is certainly the strangest news story of the day, don't you think?

A Brisbane woman stabbed a male friend twice in the shower after he refused to stop masturbating in front of her children.

Defence lawyers for Kylie Louise Wilson, 28, said the mother of two "lost it" when her friend of six years, Daniel Peter Blair, went on a masturbation marathon on April 6 last year.

When good friends go bad. Obviously when a chum of many years suddenly goes wank-crazy, one would be right to suspect drugs are somehow involved.

Brisbane's District Court this morning heard Mr Blair had showed up at Wilson's unit at Birkdale unit, in Redland Shire, where he took amphetamines before having a shower.

Whilst in the bathroom, Mr Blair, 32, began pleasuring himself, before moving to Wilson's bedroom, where he rolled around naked on her bed and continued his lewd conduct.

Alright, he's high, he's wet... he's rolling around in your bed. Off-putting at the best of times.

He returned to the bathroom for more and was busted by Wilson, who was attempting to bath her three-and-a-half year-old daughter.

He returned to the bathroom for one more what? In any case, Kylie Wilson is quite right to feel surly towards the drug-addled freak wildly masturbating in front of her toddler.

The court heard Mr Blair refused her repeated requests to stop, prompting her to fetch a knife from the kitchen which she used to stab him twice in the left shoulder.

So she stabs him. Fair enough, all's fair in love and tossing etc.

But the truly incredible part of the tale?

Crown prosecutors said Mr Blair paused only to put on his shorts and flee outside to wait for police to arrive, but was again overcome by the urge.

"Despite his injury, it seems (Mr Blair) continued to masturbate while in the garage," the prosecutor said.

We suppose if you've been stabbed twice during a self-pleasuring session, the least you can do is orgasm before you bleed to death.

Hot on the heels of the weekend's revelation that the fat one from Westlife's ex-missus spent one particularly high night attempting to converse with a wooden horse comes news that Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie also has a history of nattering away at targets who are unable to run away. No, we don't mean Josh Duhamel.

Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie has admitted she was once so strung out on drugs she spent eight hours talking to a clothes hamper.

Paranoid, hallucinating and hooked on crystal methamphetamine she thought someone was hiding in her dirty-clothes bin.

She says: "I remember thinking somebody was inside of it, going to come and get me, so I was talking to the person who was crawling in the hamper.

"I was actually telling them that they were very rude, if you can believe that one!"

Last time we were hopped up on crystal meth, we spent three frustrating days debating Australian politics with a beanbag (who, to this day, we still suspect secretly voted Liberal during the 2001 election) so we can absolutely believe it, Fergie.

He must have been so chuffed with his lesson plan beforehand.

A-buzz buzz, a-buzz buzz!

Thanks for the tip, fourbaboons!

Not in so many words, mind you. But it does seem the list of Paris Hilton's spadger-friends has just grown a little longer if The Sun is to be believed.

OZZY and SHARON OSBOURNE have revealed that son JACK once bedded jailbird PARIS HILTON.

The pair outed Jack's secret when I caught up with them in Ozzy's dressing room before last night's triumphant Wembley Arena gig.
BR>And I'd imagine the air (or should that be heir) will be bluer than normal when Jack hears his parents have blabbed about the time he, er, checked into the Hilton.

Ozzy said: “Paris was always hanging around our house. I'm not sure if she was a friend of KELLY or AMY — which one was it, Sharon?”

Sharon looked a bit sheepish and stumbled over her words as she replied: “She was Jack's, erm, friend.” Ozzy's jaw dropped and he exclaimed: “He didn't shag her, did he? Well done, my son!”

Jack's special friend, eh?

There's a horizontal pairing which should haunt our dreams for the next week or so.

With the ongoing incarceration and/or rehabilitation of other wildly popular, troubled starlets hampering the dissemination of breaking news about their fluid intake, we turn to Us Weekly for up-to-the-minute information on what the last free member of the Lindsay/Paris/Britney troika has been drinking, courtesy of a club manager who doesn't believe in treating the consumption of a couple of cocktails by a famous person as a shameful secret:

"She had two Jack [Daniels] and Cokes and an orange-flavored martini," Lola's manager, Sylvie Haines, tells Us Weekly, adding that "her whole visit was pretty low-key and she didn't seem drunk".

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It's time for one of those sporadic check-ins to see how Larry Birkhead and court-certified genetic property Dannielynn are faring. The two have been in L.A. for a little while now, where Birkhead has had the opportunity to introduce his baby daughter to some of Anna Nicole's favorite local haunts ("And that's the hamburger joint where your mum got tanked and sexed up a waitress!"). Amazingly, Birkhead already sees a lot of Anna Nicole in Dannielynn, beyond superficial similarities like the constant gurgling and need for an occasional bottle feeding:

"She has long legs and chubby little toes exactly like Anna's; it's like a mirror image," Birkhead tells OK! magazine in its latest issue. "It's really incredible. And I think her lips are her mum's lips; especially when she pouts. ... She also gets what she wants exactly like her mom always did as soon as she'd pout."

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W magazine profiles John Travolta in their current issue, naively noting how "at 53 [he] still has a good head of hair and wields his famous blue eyes to powerful effect". When the topic shifts to his upcoming turn as Hairspray's zaftig hausfrau Edna Turnblad, Travolta explains how he firmly told producers that he would only take on the gender-bending role if they promised to build him the kind of plus-size, womanly curves recently dubbed by the LAT as the "new look" of Hollywood:

He tested prospective personae of his feminine self on the set of his recent buddy comedy Wild Hogs because, he says, he wanted to hear "from straight men how they would like to see a man be a woman". The Edna that eventually took shape might be described as a dancing elephant with a wasp waist. "I said, 'If you give me a big waist, then I become Grandma,'" recalls Travolta. "'You can make her ass as big as you want, her tits as big as you want, but if you don't bring her in'" - here he mashes in his own solid middle with the heels of his hands - "'I can't play what I want to play.'" [...]

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The Hurty Elbow blog bravely risks an immediate shutdown by Disney's lawyers (or worse) by exposing their Pixar division's incredibly valuable trade secrets on the internets; enjoy the next 35 seconds knowing that by the time you reach the end of their exposé, its creators may already be dead at the hands of a hitman who will go to the grave disavowing any connection to John Lasseter or Bob Iger. Also, be warned: The clip contains a spoiler that may ruin your upcoming viewing of Ratatouille.

• Pixar Plagiarism: Same Movie, Different Clothes [Hurty Elbow]

Demonstrating once again that invoking the sacred phrase "Passion of the Christ money" will help even the most committed of Hollywood heathens find God faster than a persecuted heiress marching towards her maximum-security Calvary Hill, Universal is contracting some Real Live Christians to help them sell Even Almighty, The Most Expensive Comedy Story Ever Told, to the "religious" audience. The LAT reports on how the studio plans to get arm-deep into America's church collection boxes:

To build interest in "Evan Almighty" among religious audiences, the studio partnered with Grace Hill Media, a local publicity and marketing firm formed to assist Hollywood studios bridge the religious divide with the country's estimated 200,000 churches and millions of worshipers. Grace Hill's Jonathan Bock came up with the idea of Ark Almighty.com, a website that houses craigslist-like message boards for 8,000 churches. It matches local needs with church resources, such as house painting and assisting the homeless. Grace Hill also set up screenings for religious organizations and distributed marketing and educational materials, including videos and movie-themed curriculum.

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As unlikely as it sounds, a recent international legal symposium in Canada's capital devolved into a philosophical debate over whether or not the star of a popular primetime Fox program had the right to employ cruel and inhumane torture tactics as a means to achieving a justifiable end - and the name Paula Abdul never once came up. No, visiting U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was actually defending the morally ambiguous actions of 24's Jack Bauer, who'd think nothing of turning his own brother's Pain-O-Meter to 11 if it meant stopping the needless obliteration of another Valencia. From The Globe and Mail:

Senior judges from North America and Europe were in the midst of a panel discussion about torture and terrorism law, when a Canadian judge's passing remark - "Thankfully, security agencies in all our countries do not subscribe to the mantra 'What would Jack Bauer do?' " - got the legal bulldog in Judge Scalia barking. The conservative jurist stuck up for Agent Bauer, arguing that fictional or not, federal agents require latitude in times of great crisis. "Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. ... He saved hundreds of thousands of lives," Judge Scalia said. Then, recalling Season 2, where the agent's rough interrogation tactics saved California from a terrorist nuke, the Supreme Court judge etched a line in the sand. [...]

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A Defamer operative with a cameraphone's-eye-view of the Roosevelt, the site of demonschlonged funk-imp Prince's upcoming summer series of pricey, intimate dinner-jazz explorations, just sent in this blurry photo of some curious activity outside the hotel. Explains our correspondent:

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· Obsessed with honouring the possible end of The Apprentice by building the Greatest Trump-Branded Reality TV Empire In The World, Donald Trump follows up the recent announcement of Fox project Trump's Tramps with one for his new Pageant Place at MTV, which will document the descent of various Trump-owned beauty contest winners into Trump-upsetting drug abuse and bisexuality. [Variety] · Fox is reporting its best-ever upfront ad sales numbers. Thank you, American Idol, for making everyone forget about a pretty disastrous Fall season! [THR] · This week on the not yet cancelled On The Lot: 2.4 million confused viewers tune in to see Carrie Fisher get sassy with a cute contestant, watch a horror film about a crazed, unlicensed tree surgeon let loose in an orchard full of blooming victims, and wonder why producers reversed last week's decision to show more of host Adrianna Costa's cleavage. [Variety] · Wayne Brady will host the Fox summer karaoke game show Don't Forget the Lyrics!, in which contestants are challenged to - wild guesses, anyone? - not forget the lyrics when their teleprompters go dark. [THR] · Crass commercialism threatens to destroy the creatively pure world of fake YouTube video diary series LonelyGirl15. [Variety]Fox,

· If you find The Squirrelpult too upsetting, Cow Rescue should restore your faith in your fellow man's capacity for animal-related good. [via BWE] · No matter how old Harrison Ford looks these days, his Indiana Jones LEGO figure will always let you remember him as the strapping Raiders of the Lost Ark adventurer with whom you first fell in love. · Yet another blow to your belief in the total authenticity of everything you see on reality television shows.

Backtracking from recent remarks that have been construed in the media as an endorsement of Rosie O'Donnell's candidacy to replace him on the The Price Is Right, retiring emcee Bob Barker today clarified what he meant when he said... Read More »

Buried deep within an item about how Clinton-positive mogul Harvey Weinstein tried to make Michael Moore remove an anti-Hillary scene from Sicko is Weinstein's shocking - and you will be shocked!-admission of a secret affair with Endeavor superagent Ari... Read More »

The free bagels enjoyed each Wednesday by Innovative Artists' overworked, undercompensated, and recently uninsured assistants will be slathered with the delicious schmear of victory this morning, as Variety is reporting that agency president Scott Harris has recanted his belief... Read More »