Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Tom Cruise To Marry Jamie Packer!

1:51PM Jess McGuire | But not in a gay way, because both men are enthusiastic vagina hunters* and don’t you forget it. We’ve held off writing about James Packer’s impending nuptials to fellow Scientology follower Erica Baxter because to be honest, we’ve been too swept up in the excitement of it all to pause our hyperventilation and actually sit down at the keyboard to bang out some rubbish about their love affair. But today’s twist to the wedding story is simply too good, and so we’ve huffed on an inhaler and applied ourselves accordingly. The A-list guests for James Packer’s wedding to Erica Baxter flooded into the French Riviera yesterday, ready for days of celebration and relaxation. One guest yet to arrive last night, however, was Tom Cruise, who if US media reports are to be believed could find himself promoted from guest to celebrant. Women’s Wear Daily claims Cruise is now at the highest level of Scientologist, which would allow him to perform the wedding ceremony for fellow L. Ron Hubbard follower Mr Packer. This revelation has sent our party thetans into fits of glee. We are simply so excited at the idea of Tom Cruise being the one who turns to the bridegroom to utter the following words (which are part of a traditional Scientology wedding ceremony) “Now, James, girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat. All caprice if you will, but still they need them.” Because frankly, those words tickle us more than we could ever express. Perhaps a cat! PERHAPS A CAT! IT NEVER GETS OLD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA x a billion (to fade) *Phrase courtesy of our lover Simon Amstell. More »

Does 28 Days Of Beachside Confinement Help Our Troubled Starlets Battle Their Boozy Demons?

10:25AM Defamer Hollywood | Sunday’s NY Times asked some uncomfortable questions about the efficacy of the trendy, high-end rehabilitation facilities that cater to the needs of a new generation of troubled starlets too busy to endure 28 days of minimum security lockdown, no matter how luxurious their temporary accommodations. Perhaps unsurprisingly, there is some controversy over the claimed success rates of celebrity-friendly courses of treatment at places like Wonderland Centre and Promises Malibu that leave its famous patients feeling so positive about themselves upon graduation that they believe they never had problems in the first place. Reports the Times: Dr. Samuels, a clinical psychologist, said that Wonderland recognised that integrating people back into their normal lives was an important part of recovery. “If you spend your whole time at a treatment centre, when you leave you’re not prepared for the stresses and anxieties on the outside.” But other experts say that the more permissive attitude of high-end residential programs is primarily a reflection of the demands of a new generation of affluent addicts, more pampered and less inclined to endure the tough-minded approach of the past. There is also a recognition that four decades or so of the A.A.-based approach have produced only the slimmest evidence of success. More »

Report: Paris Hilton’s Popularity In Turkey At All-Time Low

9:47AM Defamer Hollywood | While vacationing abroad, the Defamer Special Correspondent on the International Impact of Ill-Advised Celebrity Inmate Venue Changes had time to file this brief report on how one city’s residents are treating a visiting player from the Hilton Home-Imprisonment Debacle who was in their country to participate in a global security conference: Apparently, all anyone can talk about in Istanbul at the moment is Paris Hilton. Well, our beloved Sheriff Lee Baca flew into Istanbul the other day and was met with outrage, protests at the airports, people chanting “go home,” etc. as the news announced that “the man who tried to set Paris Hilton free” was stepping onto Turkish soil. More »

Julia Roberts’ Womb Might Need A Better Publicist

9:45AM Defamer Hollywood | On the occasion of the birth of her third child, we at Defamer would like to offer an apology to Julia Roberts, for we’ve been so consumed with one-time dabbler in biological reproduction Angelina Jolie’s every orphan-collecting whim that we’ve allowed ourselves to fall tragically out of touch with the Most Powerful Womb in Hollywood, forgetting that Roberts was even pregnant. This oversight on our part is especially embarrassing, as Roberts, unlike Jolie, has never publicly commented on the overprivileged blobbiness of her “real” children or used the press to work through any complicated feelings about the difficult decision to choose her empty uterus over crowded Third World orphanages, a noble commitment to privacy that deserves far more media attention than it currently receives. We promise to do better with the next pregnancy, assiduously tracking it with our finest gigantic red arrows from the earliest Us Weekly baby-bump to eventual exclusive People announcement of its healthy birth weight. Julia Roberts Welcomes a Baby Boy [People] More »

Role As Billboard Novelty Kook Not The Return To Radio Britney Spears Had Envisioned

9:29AM Defamer Hollywood | Britney Spears’ lawyers have dispatched an angry letter to Clear Channel Communications, insisting upon the removal of billboards for a syndicated Florida radio show featuring an unflattering photo of the singer taken shortly after her very public, hair-shedding break with reality. The implication – for anyone looking for something approaching logic on a radio show billboard ad – is that the troubled pop icon is as cuckoo as anything you might experience on MJ Kelli’s wild and wacky morning show. Britney’s people are also currently mulling their “suing your Clear-Channeling asses to Kingdom Come” option, reports TSG: In a June 14 letter to Clear Channel Communications lawyer Donna Schneider, Spears’s counsel claims that the billboards promoting the MJ Morning Show were “outrageous to the extreme” and demanded their removal. A copy of the Spears legal letter can be found below. More »

Trade Roundup: Owen Wilson To Meet His Ghost Of Hollywood Future

8:45AM Defamer Hollywood | · Watch out, Hollywood, because here comes Mitch Albom: Adam Sandler has acquired the rights to feature-writing debut (an untitled baseball comedy, if you must know) of the Five People You Meet On One More Tuesday With Morrie author, whose treacly bestsellers have been previously adapted into housewife-narcotizing TV movies. [Variety] · In today’s strangest casting pairing, Jude Law and Forest Whitaker will star in Universal’s “futuristic adventure thriller” Repossession Mambo. [Variety] · In other buddy-casting news, Owen “The Butterscotch Stallion” Wilson and Nick “The Unkillable Aging Thoroughbred” Nolte have signed on to star in the Ben Stiller-directed comedy Tropic Thunder, which should create an amusing “before and after” Hollywood tableau the first time the actors share a two-shot. [Variety] · Pirated copies of Michael Moore’s Sicko proliferated on the YouTubes over the weekend, two weeks before the docimentary’s opening. [THR] · Today in writers’ strike saber-rattling: The WGA West has warned its members to ignore the same old bullshit that studios are likely to spew as negotiations for a new labor agreement begin next month, such as claims that they are losing money in this terribly unprofitable entertainment business”. Charges of counterbullshit by the studios include the accusation that the union is “out of touch with fast-changing showbiz realities.” [Variety] More »

Box Office: Jessica Alba In A Tight-Fitting Costume Still A Reliable Box Office Draw

8:35AM Defamer Hollywood | Like a bucket full of ice water dumped upon your slumbering form by a boss who doesn’t appreciate how hard it is to get going, the weekend box office numbers: 1. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer – $US57.4 million Many high-level executives at Fox were quietly worried that the two-year delay between releases in their Fantastic Four franchise might be too long to retain the loyalty of the attention-impaired teen audience that delivered the first FF installment to a surprising number one opening back in July 2005. More »

Vinnie Chase Takes Place As Andy Kaufman Of Fake Movie Stars

8:04AM Defamer Hollywood | [Yep, it's an Entourage spoiler - Arena's about five eps behind] More »