It is in difficult times like these that we throw ourselves into the arms of the Drudge Report, knowing that any potentially upsetting news with be broken to us with a gentle whisper in the ear and a reassuring stroking of our hair. After the jump, video of the announcement, which for at least one bystander represented the total collapse of the universe:

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Should the above clip of Paris Hilton's police-escorted departure from the Kings Road Detention Facility (complete with fashion report: she's "looking a little baggy and more casually dressed") not satisfy your hunger for up-to-the-minute reports about the progress of the heiress's low-speed journey to this morning's hearing, you can always switch over to Fox News.com's PARIS ON THE MOVE live stream, which is currently providing a bird's eye view of the courthouse from a hovering helicopter. But wait! Breaking: as we type these words, the camera has suddenly switched from the sky to the ground, where a number of paparazzi are milling around as they await her arrival, apparently not realising that Hilton's already snuck in (not even the internet can keep up with the speed of this story) through a private entrance. Updates to follow, as soon as we snap out of the trance that the current live-feed image of some gently undulating foliage near the courthouse has just induced in us.

• PARIS ON THE MOVE [Fox News]
• Previously: Hilton Home-ImprisonmentWatch: Paris On Her Way To Court, Probably [Defamer]

Earlier today, sensing that the residents of his sleepy municipality might have been startled by the locust-like swarm of helicopters suddenly darkening the morning sky, West Hollywood Mayor Pro Tempore Jeff Prang issued a statement to his constituents aimed at soothing nerves frayed by the arrival of the noisy, airborne interlopers:

Dear Neighbors: I have received an enormous number of calls and e-mails today about the helicopters hovering over the City. As you may know, Paris Hilton lives in Los Angeles, just off the Sunset Strip and immediately adjacent to West Hollywood. Given the publicity and controversy surrounding her recent incarceration and re-assignment to house arrest, the media has converged on our community, including a flock of helicopters.

While things should be quieter in the aftermath of today's mob-pleasing decision, there's nothing he can do about the media's whirlybird armada should Paris Hilton's announced appeal go through and she returns to her house to finish the monthlong home-imprisonment clusterfuck she tried to kick off yesterday. But on the bright side, if she's re-released from Century, the economic boost to the local luxury baked goods sector should help offset any quality-of-life hit the city might experience. The full e-mail follows after the jump:

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The listening devices that Paris Hilton monitoring firm TMZ.com implanted deep within the sporadically imprisoned heiress are paying dividends this morning, as the site has been able to track on an almost minute-to-minute basis a battle between the judge and Hilton's attorney's over whether the heiress's brittle psychological state can withstand her physical appearance in court. It seems that Hilton will not be allowed to text in her statement by Sidekick (jail made me so :( i cld hurt myself. send cupcakes! lol) from the comfort of her home, and a van has been dispatched to collect her for the hearing (and gruesome tug-of-war) that's about to get underway. If you find this barrage of information a little too complicated to follow, we recommend you visit IsParisInJailRightNow.com, the most useful tool for keeping up-to-date on where Hilton will be serving the remainder of her sentence.

• Judge to Paris: Get Your Ass to Court! [TMZ]
• CONFIRMED! Paris WILL Phone It In! [TMZ]

Isaiah Washington's 12-word response to his firing - "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" - hinted ominously that the newly downsized actor had retaliatory measures in mind. In one of a number of disturbing scenarios, we imagine the actor silently stalking the halls of ABC, picking off random receptionists, assistants, and executives with the most bigoted, spittle-flecked invectives he could muster, before ultimately turning the slurs onto himself. Howard Bragman, the actor's publicist, tries to explain Washington's seething rage at having lost his job after submitting to every demeaning stipulation ordered by his superiors:

"If they wanted to fire him," Bragman asks, "why didn't they fire him when [the incident] happened? Why did they say, 'Here's what you need to do if you want to come back... ' and then, when he did everything that was asked of him, he still gets fired. Why do you treat somebody like that?"

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In the end, not even a beautifully acted public service announcement about the power of words to hurt homosexual castmates who displease fiery, intolerant performers, nor an impassioned plea to become gay himself, were enough to save embattled Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington's job, as ABC Studios decided yesterday not to invite the mercurial Dr. McChokey back for another season. Through his publicist, the actor reacted to his dismissal by quoting Network, saying, (and this, bizarrely, is not something we made up - don't people have publicist to stop them from doing things like this?) "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore," a cryptic expression of frustration and rage that has us vaguely worried that a slur-flinging rampage could be in the offing; victim/tormentor T.R. Knight would probably be smart to use some of his generous raise to get out of town for a little while, until Washington's anger over the loss of a steady paycheck subsides.

• Isaiah Washington Let Go from Grey's Anatomy [People]

· Director Steve Miner is given the opportunity to exploit Jessica Simpson's prodigious acting talent in Major Movie Star, the story of an amazingly Jessica Simpson-like Hollywood bimbo who joins the Marines to prove that she can play the part of someone in the military. [Variety] · Yesterday's overall-deal-granting insanity bleeds into today, as even the No.2 guy on Bones is getting seven figures for his writing and development services over the next two years. Gushed 20th Century Fox TV president Dana Walden as she stuffed handfuls of high-denomination currency into burlap bags emblazoned with cartoonish dollar signs, "He can write comedy, drama, character pieces, procedurals ... he can do it all!" [THR] · Broadway casting shocker! Nathan Lane to star in a musical comedy. [Variety] · Puzzlingly, the cast of Law & Order: Criminal Intent is grumbling about not being offered raises for next season. Don't these delusional ingrates know how easily they can be replaced by the cheaper talent that foams Dick Wolf's cappuccinos each morning? [THR] · Little-publicised ensemble drama Ocean's 13 hopes to prove that labors of love can be profitable at the box office. [Variety]Casting,

Hope continues to dwindle for Wesley Snipes, whose movie star currency has tumbled mightily since his 1990s action hero heights, and who now faces trial on his October indictment for six years' worth of tax evasion. (What - you've never cried "861 argument" to get out of paying the IRS?) Left with few options, the actor once again finds himself falling back on his trusty Passenger 57 roulette-playing advice: "Always bet on black." From The Smoking Gun:

In a motion to dismiss an eight-count indictment filed last October, Snipes argues that he is the victim of selective prosecution. Snipes points to the fact that his two "Caucasian" codefendants, Douglas Rosile and Eddie Kahn, have not been charged with failure to file tax returns...

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Inspired by the Canadian journalist who has successfully raised awareness of her knocking-up memoir by filing a lawsuit against Los Angeles-based comedy monopolist Judd Apatow, accusing him of stealing her unplanned baby and selling it to Universal, New Yorker writer and Superbad novelist Ben Greenman has issued an open letter to Apatow collaborator Seth Rogen, decrying the actor/writer/producer's re-appropriation of his original borrowing of some obscure James Brown intellectual property for his upcoming summer movie of the same name. An excerpt is above; fortunately for Rogen, no lawsuit is threatened, saving him the annoyance of having to fight off the kind of unhinged legal challenge that his allegedly womb-plundering friend is currently enduring.

• Ben Greenman Attacks Seth Rogen [Gawker]

· Add "corpses" to the list of fun things the Sunset Tan people will bronze, right below "grade-school girls with crazy mums". (And in an amusing side note, our tipster found this clip while searching YouTube for clips of "hot blondes" doing stuff.) · Mayor Villaraigosa is separating from his wife. Our knee-jerk reaction to this news is the blame this photo of him posing with Paris Hilton. ·A South Park promo puts an unnamed network's "balls policy" to the test. ·Brad Whitford has made peace with Studio 60's demise. We just hope that Tom Jeter's brother gets out of Iraq alive.