We haven't decided whether or not this is the sweetest fucking thing we've ever seen on the internet, or the most disturbing.

If you'll excuse us, we're off to get us a slice of that delicious IVF pie.

Our love of Jordan and Peter Andre continues to grow and grow with each passing minute.

While nothing will ever top the feeling of admiration we mustered up toward the Price-Andre household when we - and the internet - had the privilege of witnessing Jordan's son Harvey's explosive rage toward step-dad Peter Andre, the following snippet of Jordan genius did get the heart racing just a little bit faster.

Glamour model Jordan is expecting a baby girl. Jordan, 29, real name Katie Price, denied reports she planned to call the next arrival Crystal. But she said: "I'm very excited. I've got my three boys and a little princess."

Yes, yes. But what of Peter Andre's penis?

Jordan is relieved hubby Peter Andre is on the mend after his recent battle with viral meningitis. She told New: "The weight's only gone from his waist. It hasn't gone from his nice, broad shoulders and pecs. And he hasn't lost any weight off his willy, so that's good. It's still nice and big."

Phew.

Tonight on SBS you can catch a documentary about the murder of Bulgarian broadcaster Georgi Markov!

Markov was an outspoken critic of Bulgaria's communist regime, a position that made him an obvious political target. An encounter with a man on Waterloo Bridge in which Markov was nudged with an umbrella point, seemingly accidentally, took a deadly twist when he died three days later.

The "Umbrella Murder", as it became known, remains one of the most famous - unsolved - cases of the Cold War.

We suppose that the moral of Markov's story is that despite what popular culture is trying to insist, it is never a good idea to stand under a stranger's umbrella.

Ella ella.

Eh eh eh.

(We apologise profusely for what just happened).

We're always mighty chuffed when models step off the catwalk and leap carefully coiffed hairstyle first into social issues. In this instance, Leonardo DiCaprio's ex Gisele Bundchen has declared the Pope's views on sexuality to be obsolete, and insists "no one" is a virgin when they get married.

Bundchen is idolised by many young women in Brazil, the world's largest Catholic country, where debate over sexual issues has intensified around a visit by Pope Benedict last month.

The Pope stressed the church's firm opposition to abortion and contraception and railed against sex outside of marriage.

The Brazilian beauty, one of the world's top models, told Folha de S.Paulo newspaper in an interview that, when the church made its laws centuries ago, women were expected to be virgins.

"Today no one is a virgin when they get married ... show me someone who's a virgin!" she said.

"Ahem."

Indeed.

After all we've been through today, we really don't have the strength to plow through yet another update, but we should note that a judge has ordered the controversially home-jailed Hilton to appear in court tomorrow morning, where the city attorney and a representative of the L.A. County Sheriff's Department will each grab one of the heiress's arms and pull with all their might, with control of the prisoner's fate awarded to whichever party winds up holding the larger piece of mangled heiress. Should be fun! But who wants to linger on such nastiness when there are far more interesting things going on around town, like the couple who spent all afternoon screwing on their balcony at the Hyatt Century Plaza, putting on a free show that kept those with a view from the nearby MGM building from getting anything done? We mention this mostly because we haven't been offered a single cameraphone shot of the hott, balcony-boning action, and that makes us profoundly sad. Sometimes we need a little more than some pictures of skywriting to help us get through a long day.

• Hilton ordered to return to court [LAT]

· Who crowned Clooney King of Hollywood when we weren't looking? · We're told that there might be a topless picture of Mila Kunis here, but we've been way too busy to check it for ourselves. [UPDATE: We're told it's a fake that they mocked up for the movie. Mila Kunis's virtue is restored!] · There's a $14 million Kevin Costner DVD for sale - and it's not even The Guardian. · Denis Leary laments that hypocritical T-Mobile isn't more rape-positive. · And, finally, an afternoon palate-cleanser.

Beloved Brooksian muse Cloris Leachman, who, with the exception perhaps of a double Golden Girls sighting, has been clinically proven to be most effective at eliciting squeals of approval from gay men over the age of 45, has been dealt the lowest of blows by the unkind business we call show. Reports Variety's veteran entertainment reporter Army "Hollywood's Original Blogger" Archerd:

A heartbroken Cloris Leachman says she's not to play Frau Blucher in Mel Brooks' musicalised "Young Frankenstein." Cloris reports she was given that word in a letter from director Susan Stroman ("The Producers"). "I was told they don't want to go like the movie" - in which Cloris created the Frau Blucher character in 1974.

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As this afternoon drags on, we've become increasingly desperate for any material not related to either The House-Arrested Socialite Who Shall Not Be Named, At Least In This Post or the imminent destruction of various entertainment industry outposts along Wilshire Boulevard. But salvation finally arrived in the form of this reader-supplied cameraphone photo of the sky above the Fox lot, illustrating ABC Family's efforts to publicise Kyle XY, a basic cable television show that our research has revealed to be about a teenage boy's struggles to remove a tight-fitting undershirt. Additionally, the bothersome buzzing of skywriting biplanes (really, this stunt never gets old!) prompted some others to document the difficult of properly rendering a airborne promotional message on a windy day:

I just thought you guys should know: apparently ABC Family is getting pretty desperate to get viewers for the show "Kyle XY". As of right now, for the second time today, we have skywriters outside our office in Brentwood writing a barely legible 'Kyle XY' in the windy skies above Wilshire Blvd.

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Because we once swore on a stack of six-month-old glossies in the lobby of a shady direct-to-video production company in Simi Valley to exhaustively chronicle every celebrity detox attempt that crossed our desks - with no celebrity too paunchy, sunburned, or sloppy-seconded to escape our scrutiny - we pass along news of the latest in what will surely go down as a bounty year for rehabs:

"Richie Sambora has entered an undisclosed treatment facility in Los Angeles," the rep said in a statement. "He asks that you respect he and his family's privacy at this time."

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With the media gathered at the orgy developing outside Paris Hilton's house greedily filling each quivering news-hole in the aftermath of the heiress's unexpected release from lock-up, we salute the LAT for uncovering an orifice that had yet to be penetrated. In detailing the chaotic scene at the Kings Road Regional Detention Facility, the Times brings word of which of the area's warring cupcake factions was first to the scene with snack; unsurprisingly, the treat-pushing attention-whores from Mrs. Beasley's arrived with the cameras:

The most exciting moment was about 10:30 a.m. when a Mrs. Beasley's Gourmet Cupcakes van pulled up and Anthony Crisafulli delivered three containers of the treats to the house.

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Oh, Grant Denyer - when will you stop "going there" in the name of comedy? A month on from your highly descriptive declaration that your hang-over after the Logies had made you feel as if you'd just had sex with a black man*, you've managed to rile up moral crusaders Sydney Confidential with the way you finished Tuesday night's episode of It Takes Two.

Now his sign-off from the celebrity karaoke show has hit a nerve - and not the funny bone - with industry veterans.

With a wink, Denyer closed this week's episode with a cheeky "see you next Tuesday" - which is also a crass acronym for trash talkers.

While Seven may argue it's a simple pointer to the timeslot, it breaks a long-standing law of TV etiquette.

It's listed under "g" for good grace in the showbiz bible, Grant.

Personally, we back Denyer one hundred percent on this, and remain flabbergasted he was never considered for the role of Graham Kennedy in the recent hit telemovie The King.

*Do gay porn stars who have anal sex with black men describe their post-pounding temperament as "like being hung-over from the Logies after party!", do you think? If not, we'd like them to start.

The Brisbane Times reports that freshly (well, somewhat freshly) single Prince William has gone on an alcoholic shopping spree, purchasing over A$2000 worth of booze.

Wearing a T-shirt, baseball cap and jeans, he cleared the Asda store in Weymouth, Dorset, out of Pimm's during his shopping trip. The prince, who is training to be a troop leader at nearby Bovington Army Camp, filled four trolleys with wines, spirits, beer and snacks at the store. Store manager Darren Rideout said: "He came in the store at 2.10pm with two bodyguards. He had four trolley loads of shopping which was mainly alcohol and snacks. He cleared us out of Pimm's. A few people came up and spoke to him and he was laughing and joking with them. The check-out girl didn't actually recognise him and he packed his own shopping.

He's so down to earth, isn't he?

The prince's shopping trip came just hours before Channel 4 screened a documentary about the death of his mother.

And yet we suspect the two things are unrelated, unless Prince William has some sort of bad taste drinking game lined up.

[Note: A thrilling UPDATE after the jump!] We at Defamer realize that there's no way that our readers can be expected to continue on with their day with an explanation for Paris Hilton's unexpected release from prison as maddeningly vague as "an unspecified medical condition" hanging in the air, and so in the interest of restoring you to productivity, we note this anonymously sourced explanation of the heiress's mystery malady:

Sources close to the Hilton family tell ET the medical reason was actually a rash she developed on her body.

We'll refrain from unwarranted speculation that "rash" is a euphemism for the outbreak of some social disease for which Hilton has a valid prescription, and instead laud the Sheriff's Department for its compassion in allowing the afflicted heiress to return home for the duration of her sentence. There, under the assiduous medical supervision of trusty manservant Elliot Mintz, she can get the treatment she so desperately needs, with Mintz's hourly application of a topical cream to Hilton's affected areas far surpassing the attention she could receive from the overtaxed staff of the detention facility.

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A Defamer operative just forwarded us this photo of the scene unfolding a little while ago across the street from the Standard Hotel on the Strip, where a local CBS news van suffered a fender bender. The circumstances of the accident are unclear, but our spy notes, "Oddly enough, the van had been stopped at the light at Sweetzer. So it's not like it had been barreling down the street." We hope that the vehicle wasn't headed to Paris Hilton's new minimum security detention facility, as any delays suffered as a result of the collision would certainly compromise the CBS affiliate's ability to provide up-to-the-minute footage of the outside of the mansion-confined heiress's home.

• Paris Hilton Released From Jail 20 Days Early [CBS2.com]

Well, that was fast: After serving five lifestyle-cramping days at Lynwood's Century Regional Detention Facility, Paris Hilton has been released from the jail to serve out the remaining 40 days of her original sentence at home, monitored by one of those unflattering, Martha Stewart-style electronic ankle bracelets, which she's already busy bedazzling with Swarovski crystals to minimise its impact on her cutest home-confinement outfits. Unspecified medical reasons were cited for the early release; while confidentiality laws prohibited a sheriff's department from disclosing the exact problem, he did allow that she may have been "psychologically bummed" about her imprisonment and that the facility's staff feared the humiliating intake body cavity search she was subjected to may have permanently extinguished the impish glimmer in her lazy eye, prompting the hasty change of venue. More on this story when information becomes available as the day progresses, God help us all. UPDATE: Would you like to see a brief local news clip of the nice man at the press conference who announced announcing that Hilton was reassigned to the "community-based alternative to custody electronic monitoring program." Of course you would. After the jump:

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It could easily be argued that misunderstood ADD-survivor Britney Spears's romantic history is riddled with mistakes, beginning with her decision to marry and procreate with an ambition-challenged background dancer whose primary vocation was his pursuit of mastery over the art of one-handed joint rolling. But that was the scrambled, pre-Promises Britney; the new Britney, reports trusted supermarket news source The National Enquirer, has fallen for someone with only her best interests at heart:

Is Britney Spears dating her drug counsellor? The 25-year-old rehabbed star insists that her relationship with John Sundahl is purely professional - but her soon-to-be-ex-hubby insists they're dating and her mother is thrilled the two are supposedly seeing each other, according to the National Enquirer

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IndianaJones.com is currently boasting some big cast gets for Indy 4, the wildly anticipated summer '08 release which promises to do for arthritic archaeo-adventurers what Rocky Balboa did for steroid-abusing former heavyweight champions - i.e., show 'em that Hollywood has no problem employing the elderly if they sense there's some money to be made. Among the announced actors are Cate Blanchett, John Hurt, and Biggest Star in The World For Two Heady Weeks in April Shia LaBeouf. Sadly, however, an official statement penned by Professor Henry Jones himself, aka Sean Connery, informs us that the series' fourth installment will contain none of The Last Crusade's snappy father-son banter:

"I get asked the question so often, I thought it best to make an announcement. I thought long and hard about it and if anything could have pulled me out of retirement it would have been an Indiana Jones film. I love working with Steven and George, and it goes without saying that it is an honour to have Harrison as my son."

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Reports are pouring in about a bomb scare stopping traffic over on Wilshire Blvd, close to the headquarters of SAG and across the street from Variety and E! [Ed.note - Has anyone checked to make sure that Seacrest is safe?] A sampling of our nearby operatives' descriptions of the situation apparently created off by a mysterious briefcase left in front of Organic to Go:

· It appears that there is a bomb threat at the SAG building or one of its connected restaurants. Wilshire has been blocked off by LAPD patrol cars from Curson to Hauser and there is police tape across sidewalks leading from Wilshire Courtyard/E! Building to SAG, across the street. The restaurants along the row have been evacuated, but there seems to be some guy on the roof of one of them sitting in a lounge chair reading a book. He's either a really relaxed bomber, or the evacuation hasn't made it past the first floor. Either way, you'd think the helicopters would have tipped him off. Happy traffic, Wilshire drivers!

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· HBO and Tom Hanks' Playtone are close to a deal to adapt the Vincent Bugliosi book Reclaiming History: The Assassination of President John F. Kennedy into a miniseries that would finally pay some attention to the allegedly shadowy circumstances surrounding the too-long-ignored event of JFK's untimely death. [Variety] · John McTiernan will direct the "Las Vegas action thriller" High Stakes. The director's impressive list of credits include Die Hard, The Last Action Hero, and lying to the FBI about his involvement with wiretapper-to-the-stars Anthony Pellicano. [THR] · Bourne franchise BFFs Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass are close to reigniting their professional love affair with an adaptation of the book Imperial Life in the Emerald City for Universal. [Variety] · Newly installed NBC Universal TV Studio president Katherine Pope celebrates her promotion by dumping a huge pile of money in Heroes creator/executive producer Tim Kring's lap. [THR] ·And in other "showrunners getting filthy rich" news, Scrubs' Bill Lawrence (pictured, looking stunned by his staggering wealth) signs an eight-figure, four-year overall deal with ABC Studios, who bought him out of his NUTS contract. [Variety]

If you're not already in love with French singer Camille - her tune La Douleur was a bit of a JJJ hit last year - then prepare yourselves. This live footage just won us over completely.