When Headlines Take You To An Unnecessary Visual Place (Part 3679 In A Series)

“Will Eddie McGuire bone himself?” asks news.com.au. We do hope so.

And further to that, we hope that there’s some sort of website where we can sign up to watch grainy footage of aforementioned self-boning, and then we will pay $20 per minute to watch Eddie McGuire bone himself, and then we will gouge our eyes out with a rusty fork, stop speaking English, and choose only to communicate with others through a combination of sharp grunts and prodigious piano playing abilities – an almost miraculous side-effect of watching (and being horrified to the core by) Eddie’s money shot.

Hmm. We’re going to stop blathering on and instead focus our energies on acquiring coffee. In the meantime, here’s an excerpt from the surprisingly – and happily – sexless article about Eddie’s desires to solo-bone.

Channel 9 chief executive Eddie McGuire could be about to “bone” himself and head back to Melbourne after a reshuffle that has angered the media company’s shareholders.

McGuire, also Collingwood Football Club president, yesterday said Nine’s Melbourne boss Gary Pert had resigned to take up the chief executive’s job at the club.

The 1 Vs 100 TV host now needs to fill the Nine job in Melbourne – and he’d need look no further than himself to find a perfect match.