Sting Interrupts No Doubt Marathon Sex Session* To Express Shock At Court Ruling.

It’ll take a helluva lot of meditation before Sting calms down over this, we reckon. You see, everyone’s favourite yoga devotee and his missus have been found guilty of unfair dismissal. Unfair dismissal? How un-hippy of them!

Celebrity couple Sting and Trudie Styler face having to pay record damages to their former chef for unfair dismissal after a tribunal found them guilty of “shameful conduct”.

The singer and his actress wife – formally known as Mr and Mrs Sumner – broke employment law by sacking Jane Martin, 41, after she became pregnant, the panel has ruled.

In a devastating judgment, Styler is accused of using “subterfuge” to get rid of Ms Martin, and of using “minions” to do her “dirty work”.

The employment tribunal was told that staff at the couple’s country estate lived in a climate of fear because Styler subjected them to abuse to make her “feel royal”.

Good lord. The story is especially disturbing if we choose to only pay attention to the words appearing within quotation marks. In fact, we’ll re-type them in caps and make them bold just to add an air of authentic UK tabloid reporting!

SHAMEFUL CONDUCT!
SUBTERFUGE!
DIRTY WORK!
FEEL ROYAL!

Shocks us to the bone, it does.

Trudie isn’t at all pleased with the findings, unsurprisingly believing the verdict of ‘Sting’s missus is a bitch’ to be “a travesty”.

But what else would you expect from a truffle-mad slattern?

In March a hearing in Southampton was told that during eight years as the couple’s $67,000-a-year chef, Ms Martin, 41, had cooked for guests such as Madonna, Sir Elton John and Bob Geldof.

Ms Martin would be told to have truffles couriered from France and she would sometimes have to travel 140km from the couple’s 324ha Lake House estate near Salisbury to their London home just to prepare food for Styler or her children.

Shame, Styler-Sumners. Shame.

*Yes, yes. We’re aware that Sting’s 168 hour tantric sex session claims have since been revealed to be nothing more than boozy bragging amongst mates, but the truth doesn’t help create headlines, alright? Remember that, aspiring journalists.