Defamer Australia’s Wrap Up Of The TV Week Logie Awards

How on earth do we begin wrapping up an awards ceremony as ridiculously extravagant and gripping as The Logies? With great haste, little introduction, and by using an excessive amount of bold capitalised font to appropriately convey our over-excited perspective on the evening. Let’s roll.

BIGGEST SHOCK OF THE EVENING! When the award for Most Outstanding Children’s TV Program went to the Umbilical Brothers, we were gutted to discover the two are not in fact brothers, and it’s not as if it’s a case that they both coincidentally share the same surname of Umbilical. They’re totally unrelated, and their names are Shane Dundas and David Collins. We feel like we’ve been lied to all our lives. On the upside, their onstage antics (peace signs behind the head of their producer, the odd popping sound) proved once and for all their special brand of comedy will never age, but rather stay as fresh and relevant as ever. Ahem.

More after the jump…

BEST HECKLE FROM THE STAGE! Dave Hughes’ rather lengthy rant against Kyle Sandilands, which popped up toward the end of his surprisingly amusing opening monologue as co-host of the awards, made our heart swell with joy.

THE ‘HMMM, THIS IS SORT OF AWKWARD’ COMEDY MOMENT OF THE EVENING! Most inoffensive man on earth, host Adam Hills, referenced the presence of Terri and Bindi Irwin in his welcoming speech and talked of the first time he ever saw the Crocodile Hunter on the telly. So far, so good — after all, Steve was being honoured with an award. But then he began talking about how he really wishes the Crocodile Hunter movie had been approached like a drama, so he could watch Steve get his Strasberg on (cue “Crikey!” filled impersonation of Steve doing Shakespeare, etc)! No doubt Terri was sitting at her table thinking “Yes, I suppose that would’ve been great, Adam. You know what else would be great? If he hadn’t died. Yeah, the whole not being alive anymore thing is probably the first thing I’d want to change about Steve’s life, but making the Crocodile Hunter movie an attempt at drama so the world could laugh at him would definitely be a close second.”

AVRIL LAVIGNE WAS A STRANGE CHOICE OF MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT, IF YOU ASK US! After all, it’s not as though the auditorium was filled with excitable sixteen year olds (if you don’t count the Neighbours and Home & Away casts). We tried to imagine the Lateline crew rocking out to Girlfriend – as performed by a pretty much stationary Lavigne — but we did hear rumours of Kerry O’Brien declaring he preferred her older works like SK8R BOY to new anti-feminist anthems such as her current Toni Basil-esque hit.

DID WE MENTION ADAM HILLS’ FAKE LEG? DID ANYONE BRING THAT UP? NO? We can only assume that someone did, because there’s no way Adam would have just randomly inserted material from his stand up shows about being born with one leg to fill in time with no prompting whatsoever. Because that would just be weird and confusing for us.

THE JOAN RIVERS AWARD FOR BRILLIANT MOCKING OF THE FESTIVITIES! Goes hands down to Obligatory American Presenter Who Gives Validation To Our Half-Arsed Ceremony, Michael Weatherly from NCIS. He answered nearly all the questions thrown at him by Hamish and Andy in the Maybelline Green Room (which, as the Austereo boys pointed out, happened to be blue) with his tongue firmly wedged in his cheek. Asked about what it was like running into ex-fiance Jessica Alba at the awards, he replied “She gave me a black eye — which Maybelline covered!”, continuing the theme of mocking the heavily logoed green room started by Hamish and Andy. When he came on stage to present an award with Fifi Box, he dramatically pretended to trip over and face plant, a homage to Fifi Box’s infamous fall on Dancing With The Stars. When she began a query about his work with NCIS by describing his performance as “brilliant”, he interjected “I think brilliant is a stretch,” before waiting for her to finish the question and then sarcastically begin his answer with “Brilliant question, Fifi…” He was a sheer delight and should be welcomed back into the country any damn time he wants to make the journey out here.

BEST DOUBLE ENTRENDRE IN AN ACCEPTANCE SPEECH! When Foxtel’s Love My Way won for Most Outstanding Drama, you could see Brendan Cowell smirking gleefully when a producer, whilst thanking the people behind the scenes, said “Writers are a bunch of people who get together every week and expose themselves…”. Superb.

THE ‘MOST SENSITIVE AND CHARMING LINE OF THE NIGHT’ AWARD GOES TO… Without question, sensitive new age guy and McLeod’s Daughters star Aaron Jeffrey, who thanked his female co-stars by declared they were “Definitely the best boobs in the business.” And thank god he mentioned it, what with everyone so busy focusing on the stellar acting and sheer brilliance of the writers who spend countless hours working out more and more ways for the long dead patriarch of the McLeod family to spread his seed whenever one of his beloved daughters chooses to leave the series in a bid to launch a singing career or go to Hollywood or whatever it is that Logie winning actresses do when they’ve had a gutful of washing the smell of horse shit out of their denim clothes at the end of a long working day.

HEY LOOK, THERE’S CHRIS MARTIN FROM COLDPLAY’S TWIN BROTHER WHO DIDN’T GET HIS SHARE OF NUTRIENTS IN THE WOMB! No wait, that’s singer James Morrison. We think he’s from England. Listen up, sonny Jim, Australia has room for only one James Morrison in its crowded heart, and that James Morrison prefers to engage us through the magic of a brass instrument. Off with you!

ARTS & CRAFT AWARD FOR THE EVENING! Should definitely go to the wag responsible for putting together the highlight reel of the year’s news events. How does one show the infamous “turkey slap” incident from last year’s Big Brother without actually showing footage of the idiots involved holding down a gal for a lark and slapping her in the face with their wrinkly testes? You make a paper mache turkey head and film a disembodied hand slapping it, that’s how. Booyah, motherfuckers.

AND THE BIGGEST WINNER ON THE NIGHT? Kate Ritchie, who somehow managed to beat Rove (and he actually looked relieved about this) to win the Gold Logie for the first time in her three hundred and seventy eight year career with Channel Seven. This is quite brilliant news, because we are always moved to see someone get past a homemade porn tape scandal and go on to win the hearts of the folk who actually bother to buy and read TV fucking Week.

That said, if anyone wants to buy today’s copy of the mag and send us the free TV Week Logie Award key ring, we’d be most grateful to receive it.