How utterly thrilling - the prisoners of Dreamworld have finally been given the chance to bitch about each other through the magic of nomination night!

Just like in previous years, Monday night saw Big Brother in full NIDA graduate mode, dramatically berating the housemates reasons for nominating as though viewers actually find his crankypants attitude intriguing in the least.

We took a tonne of notes during the show because we have absolutely no life, and you can check 'em out after the jump.

Bodie – gives two points to Kate for being a bitch, and one point to Rebecca for being as bland as Weetbix.

Around this point in the show, we see a clip where Aleisha reveals that, when it comes to nominations, “I don't have a stratachee.” Of course you don't, love. You can't even pronounce strategy.

Joel – gives two points to Kate for being violent and offending his moral code. A Young Liberal? Moral code? We are confused! Also, how difficult it must be for Joel to talk whilst constantly pursing his lips. He gives one point to TJ because she puts people down in order to make herself feel better and does her “wah wah”. JOEL TALKS LIKE A SPAZZ.

South Yahra – gave two points to Jamie because he tried to humiliate her and make her feel stupid in front of everyone. One point to Bodie for being inconsiderate during bedtimes.

Thomas – gives Kate two points for being negative and bringing down the mood of the house. One point to Aleisha for not pulling her weight when it comes to the household chores. This riles Big Brother right the fuck up. “You have someone's future in your hands and you're concerned about dishes?” he snaps (in a monotone voice). Big Brother, we take the show seriously. It is - and we say this with little to no hyperbole - the most important program on television, mostly because its annual presence on our screens pisses John Howard off no end. So we are pleased you have such wonderful perspective when it comes to nominations. Someone's future in his hands, eh? Well, someone's fifteen minutes of fame, at the very least. Anyway, since Thomas seems unable to give a reason for nominating without using the words "team" and "housemates" and "the group", he is given a nomination point from a surly Big Brother.

Emma – nominates Kate for two points because she thinks she's aggressive and she doesn't belong in the house and she snaps and makes her feel unsafe. She gives Jamie one point because he's flying under the radar – she doesn't think he has any personality. At Defamer Australia HQ, we celebrate the first Big Brother Cliche of the year (or the first one we've managed to catch). Bring on "sitting on the fence", "stirring the pot" and a hefty dollop of "massively" please!

Aleisha – gives two points to Kate for being rude and beating small children to death. Or something. One point went to Jamie because he doesn't contribute to group activities and she doesn't know him. Boo hoo, you fucken sook.

Jamie – nominates Emma for two points because she's not contributing to conversations and withdrawing from the group. WTF? Clearly one of them is in denial about fitting in. He gives one point to TJ for being in two modes, either full on “snap shazam thing” (huh?) or really tired. He thinks she has a bad attitude.

Kate – two points to Emma, one point to Bodie for being “one of the most annoying people I've ever met”.

Zoran – gives two points to Bodie for being too loud and always trying to play stupid games. Gives one point to Aleisha because he doesn't have a connection with her. We kinda like Zoran.

Warney – gives two points to Zoran for not saying please and thank you. He also refers to food as “she”. He gave one point to Emma for being rude.

Rebecca – gives two points to Bodie who doesn't make her feel like her contributions are welcome or valid. Because when she suggests playing wrestling or fruit salad, he says no. WOMAN YOU ARE TWENTY FOUR YEARS OLD, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO INITIATE GAMES WITH NAMES LIKE ‘FRUIT SALAD'. She gives TJ a point for getting involved in a lot of arguments and for being “con-front-ting.”

TJ – gives Zoran two points for eating seconds and having no consideration for other people. One point goes to Kate for being an evil cow.

Eventually our potential evictees as chosen by their fellow housemates were revealed to be Emma, Bodie and Evil Kate - but then Emma was allowed to select anyone she wanted to go up for eviction instead of her! And no one in the house will know who she chose until eviction night! AND SHE CHOSE JAMIE!

Good lord. We're exhausted from the sheer excitement of it all.

Check out the Big Brother Official Site's report on nominations here.

Tags: au | big brother 2007 | nominations