Wednesday, May 23, 2007

John Howard Says The Coalition Could Be ‘Annihilated’ In The Upcoming Federal Election

3:48PM Jess McGuire | Brace yourselves. John Howard has warned the Coalition would be “annihilated” by a Kevin Rudd landslide in his most pessimistic assessment of his electoral prospects. During a terse three-hour meeting of Coalition MPs in Canberra – during which the future of Australia’s wheat marketing arrangements was hotly debated – the Prime Minister also admitted he was part of the problem, although there was no sign of him wanting to quit. Mr Howard’s gloomy prognosis came as Labor continued to hammer the Coalition over its multi-million-dollar advertising blitz on workplace relations, the environment and other government programs. This is like dirty talk to our filthy ears, although frankly it could have gotten even sleazier and we wouldn’t have been displeased. Other headlines describing the situation facing Howard which would have gotten us a little razzed in the pants include - Coalition could be ‘rooted, and then kicked out of bed without so much as a thank you’ by Rudd: PM Coalition could be ‘fisted’ by Rudd: PM Coalition could be ‘bent over and ridden from behind’ by Rudd: PM Coalition could be ‘the recipients of a bukkake spray’ by Rudd: PM We like our politics a little homoerotic, you see. More »

Paris Hilton Has Turned To God

3:26PM Jess McGuire | Who else would you turn to when you’re heading to jail and Candy Spelling is posting open letters to you on the interwebs? According to The Superficial - Paris Hilton was spotted in LA conveniently carrying around in front of paparazzi a self-help book called The Power Of Now and – wait for it – The Holy Bible. Did I mention she also forgot her bra? I dunno if that’s relevant, but she also forgot her bra. I can’t believe this is the best tactic clowns like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan can come up with to change their public image. Actually, no, wait, yes I can believe it. What I can’t believe is that they manage to make it through the day without the aid of a bicycle helmet. For Ms Hilton’s sake, we can only hope that the power of the Almighty is enough to help the heiress fend off the advances of militant lesbian prisoners. More »

Short Ends: Jolie Ready For A Break, Until She Gets Bored Of Her Real Daughter And Needs Some Mummy Time On A Movie Set Again

11:52AM Defamer Hollywood | · Celebrity oversharer Angelina Jolie wants us all to know that just as soon as she’s done with shooting a couple more movies, she’s taking a year off to be with her family. Mercifully, she gets all the way through the interview without suffering a nervous breakdown about how her gut-wrenching decision to have a biological baby still torments her. · Has Rosie O’Donnell’s quest to host The Price is Right finally come to end? Some eavesdroppers say it’s all over but the crying. · This is a video of some people dancing to one of your favorite sitcom theme songs. We’re pretty sure you’re clicking on that link even without further description. · The 911 call placed by the wife of Creed’s Scott Stapp: “He’s on the pot and the drugs, and has many, many guns in the house.” That dude still knows how to party. More »

Deflowering Katee Holmes

10:35AM Defamer Hollywood | On dozens of Chatsworth sound stages this morning, obscure adult actresses who have misguidedly assumed the bastardised names of exotic automobiles are seething with jealousy over today’s Page Six introduction of porn newcomer Katee Holmes to the public, frustrated that they didn’t think of the inspired, attention-grabbing stunt of appropriating the moniker of Tom Cruise’s virginal war bride first. Unsurprisingly. the Genuine Holmes’ expensive new PR team is less than pleased with the ambitious Katee’s plan to surrender her maidenhead on camera as a tribute to her idol: “It’s a really cheap shot,” a rep for the actress, who’s married to Tom Cruise, told Page Six. But Shy Love, an adult film vet who manages the 5-foot-9, 122-pound Katee – a small-town girl from Illinois – insisted: “Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed an innocence in everything she’s done, beginning with ‘Dawson’s Creek.’ ” [...] More »

Report: New Borat Infiltrates Downtown L.A. Trade Convention

10:29AM Defamer Hollywood | From virtually the moment Universal threw $US42 million at Sacha Baron Cohen for Bruno, his Borat follow-up, questions about whether a far more recognisable troublemaker would be able to hide behind a bleached fauxhawk and mesh shirt and goad homophobic Americans into hilariously intolerant reactions to his subtle, Austrian-accented invitations to sodomy. So how is the Bruno team tackling the problem of Baron Cohen’s fame? According to an operative, by waving his bedazzled microphone right under our noses here in L.A.. His report on the star’s new faux-documentary shenanigans follows: I was at the Omni Hotel in downtown Los Angeles today for a luncheon hosted by the Foreign Trade Association, and lo and behold, Sacha is there as our favorite gay Austrian Bruno!!! His get up is a little different than it was on the Ali G show. No mohawk with blond highlights, no tight t-shirt. He’s dressed in leather pants, black vest and a black t-shirt. The hair is kinduva flock of seagulls/sad boy from the cure look – rusty brown hair mopped over to one side and the tips are a frosty blonde. More »

Orlando Bloom Hoping To Grow Out Of Elf And Pirate Roles, Perhaps Play Dancing Cat On London Stage

10:28AM Defamer Hollywood | With Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End poised to be the next in a wave of mammoth movie installments currently toppling box office records, star Orlando Bloom – who, having played Gwyneth-haired Elf warrior Legolas in the LOTR trilogy, is no stranger to the grueling schedule of back-to-back adventure trilogy shoots – admits to the MTV Movies Blog of having the kind of career fatigue that plagues only a handful of actors. That is, having one’s fill of starring roles in gigantic-budgeted movies that approximately half the world’s population will see: MTV: You keep saying things like “I’ve loved working with [Johnny Depp].” Is this the end of the line for you? What is the future of the “Pirates” franchise? Bloom: I’m looking forward to “Pirates 10″ because I’m gonna come out with a walker, and Johnny’s gonna be wheeling himself out in a wheelchair. [He laughs.] More »

‘Jericho’ Fans Call Down Plague Of Peanuts Upon CBS Tormentors

10:24AM Defamer Hollywood | Fans hoping to revive a cancelled TV series have been relying on increasingly flashy techniques in the hopes of registering on the radars of busy network heads, whose various galactic overlord duties may have rendered them tragically out of touch with the tastes of the common man. Arrested Development addicts pelted Fox execs with foam banana balls. Invasion lovers (yes, they existed) drowned ABC in bottled water. But devotees of the mushroom-clouds-on-Main-St. drama Jericho have decided to go the bulk snack route, inviting fellow grassroots supporters to send roasted peanuts to CBS’s offices: NUTS! Save Jericho! Jericho fans unite! In addition to sending individual orders to CBS programming executives, as a Jericho fan you can now contribute money to massive shipments of nuts. NutsOnline will do our part by pooling monies and supplying nuts at a steep discount! At the end of each day we will tally dollars collected and ship out huge quantities of roasted peanuts in the shell! [...] More »