· S Day is finally here, and Tim and Eric couldn't be more excited about it. Really.
· Posthumous note to Jack Valenti: If you're playing Truth or Dare with the 1991 Madonna, you always take dare. Always.
· Ah, we knew there something wrong with the way Britney Spears dresses, and now we can put our finger on exactly what it is. [via goldenfiddle]
· Worn down by months of unironic posts about Matthew McConaughey's abs, Reese Witherspoon feeding parking meters, and Hyde's guest list, a writer at TMZ finally loses her shit.
·Hey, unicorns! Flying ones!

Earlier this week, someone e-mailed to suggest that we post examples of the "fake," publicist-supplied celebrity sightings that we try to filter out so that they don't render our cherished PrivacyWatch feature even more hopelessly tainted by PR shenanigans than it probably already is. Because we like nothing better than to make our loyal readers' tragically unambitious dreams come true, here's one from just a few hours ago that's obviously not trying too hard (if at all) to fool us:

Subj: Orlando Bloom Enlists in Cupcake Wars In Hollywood's ongoing "Cupcake Wars," baker to the stars Mrs. Beasley's wins a battle when Orlando Bloom stopped into the Beverly Hills store this week for the must have accessory for Summer, the Beasley's Popper. One wonders if Bloom will share the dozens of new mini cupcakes he bought with his cast mates at the "Pirates of the Caribbean" premieres next week. Paris Hilton and Kobe Bryant have also been spotted with the tasty treats.

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Famous People Care!™ Day continues at Defamer with the announcement that Nick Carter, late of the Backstreet Boys and of having sexual relations with L.A. County's sparkliest prisoner-to-be, is partnering with the United Nations so that you'll know more about dolphins and junk! Really, that's all we've got on this one, as the random pairing of obscure cause and D-list personage should provide more than enough entertainment without further commentary. But should you wonder what a press release announcing such an unprecedented partnership between aquatic-mammal-in-crisis and boy-bander-in-decline looks like, have at it after the jump:

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Things may not have ended well between America's Current Sweetheart Reese Witherspoon and her caddish, underemployed ex-husband, Ryan Phillippe, but the couple appears to be moving on: Reese is reportedly in fake-love with Jake Gyllenhaal, and the divorce proceedings appear to be humming along smoothly:

In a response filed Tuesday, Phillippe also cited irreconcilable differences but asked for joint legal custody and physical custody of the children as well as visitation granted "to both parties, equally allocated." [...] The documents filed with the court in November and this week do not list separate or community property, saying the nature of the assets has yet to be determined.

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· Gerard Butler, still red-hot following his career-making, washboard-ab-spotlighting turn in 300, will join Jodie Foster and Abigail "Im in Dakota's career, steelin her rolez" Breslin in the family adventure film Nim's Island, based on the popular children's book. [Variety]
· Out-of-work and aspiring comedy writers, it might finally be time to pull the ripcord and float to the safety of law school: the networks ordered precious few comedies for the new season, are terrified of the expense of still-faddish single-camera shows, and want to squeeze the life out of established sitcoms for fear of a writers strike. Get out while your LSAT scores are still valid. [THR]
· MGM is dangerously close to getting into the Rob Schneider business. [Variety]
· ABC declined to pick up their Mr & Mrs Smith adaptation, triggering a contractual option that will allow studio Regency TV to start shopping the Alphabet's sloppy pilot seconds to other networks. [THR]
· Mexican filmmaking BFFs Alfonso Cuaron, Guillermo del Toro, and Alejandro Gonzales Inarritu have signed on to do five movies with Universal and Focus Features, establishing a production company called (really) cha cha cha. [Variety]

Yahoo's homepage is currently attempting to lure visitors to its Answers section with Crash star Matt Dillon's instantly recognizable face, which seems to grimly bear the burden of knowing that our planet is teetering on the brink of environmental disaster--unless. of course, you click through, spend a couple of minutes reading up his past and present projects, and then offer your own tips, like, "Turn off lights. Do not use incandescent bulbs but fluorescent bulbs. Do not over-use or waste water," "Cold water wash gets the clothes as clean as warm or hot water. I am using only cold water now for quite a while," or, "Drive a Prius to your next movie premiere--you'll use less gas and get more red-carpet tail than Leo DiCaprio at a 'save the rainforest' rally."

• What are the most effective yet simple ways people can save energy? [Yahoo! Answers]

It's been reported that accused closet-raider Lindsay Lohan won't be charged with felony grand theft for allegedly boosting clothes from a local woman, as there's insufficient evidence a crime was committed and the Los Angeles County justice system has already dedicated all of its celebrity-prosecuting resources to the ongoing Paris Hilton case. With this avenue closed to her, the accuser, model Lauren Hastings, has taken her case to the internets, dropping by the offices of Buzznet to describe (in painstaking detail--get comfortable, you're going to be here for a while) how the supposed theft went down--and, far more chillingly, revealing the ensuing campaign of Blackberry-enabled terror (there are photos!) waged against her by Lohan, Nicole Richie, and Samantha Ronson for Hastings' choice to go public with the matter. We applaud her willingness to stand up to this intimidating, wardrobe-pilfering triad, a brave effort that calls to mind the sage words of entertainment newsmagazine philosopher William Hall Bush, "All that is required for the triumph of celebutard evil is that good models do nothing."

• Model Lauren Hastings Tells Her Story [Buzznet]
• Text Messages from the B*tch and Famous [Buzznet]
• DA: No theft charges for Lindsay Lohan [AP]

While finding an anonymous tip about Paris Hilton in our inbox is certainly not an uncommon experience, it's rare that we receive one composed entirely in a foreign tongue, from a self-professed "guardian angel" who signs their correspondence, "The french." We're suckers for some Euro-style cloak and dagger, however, so we put our best minds to work translating the contents of the cryptic message:

Paris Whitney Hilton's Guardian Angel I am an anonymous tipster. Here's an amazing scoop: Paris Whitney Hilton has a guardian angel who will liberate her from her 45/23 days in prison and at the same time offer her two ways out that are still honorable for the governor of California and the law. She will have to choose between prison or the creation of an international organization dedicated to fighting AIDS.

The rest is after the jump, as is the original e-mail. Feel free to correct our humble attempt at translation--we're a little rusty, and could easily be confusing the French word for "AIDS" for the one that means "Hyde."

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When we first heard about Jerry Seinfeld's big Bee Movie publicity stunt at Cannes (bee costumes, wires over the beach, mobs of gasping spectators, etc etc), the whole affair seemed incredibly reckless: had a strong gust of wind or a Pixar saboteur interfered with the delicate proceedings, the world easily could have lost its finest, semi-retired observational humorist and Porsche collector. As it turns out, our fears were at least partially unnecessary, as THR notes that a far more expendable member of the Bee Movie team volunteered for zip-line-test-dummy duty to ensure the star's safety:

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