We've got a real soft spot for Lily Allen here at Defamer Australia headquarters. Perhaps it's because she tried to bottle Chris Cester from Jet during this year's Big Day Out tour. Maybe it's simply the bit in Knock 'Em Out where she squeals "If you insist, I'll have a white wine spritzer..." in the most adorable manner conceivable. Whatever.

Our affection for Lily meant we were very sad to read her MySpazz blog this morning, which revealed she's not having a very good time in the States, and is in the midst of a severe case of lady-blues (sistas, you feelin' me!?).

Sunday, May 13, 2007 - fat , ugly and shitter than winehouse

that is all i am , im on my own in america again . I used to pride myself on being strong minded and not being some stupid girl obsessed with the way I look . I felt like it didnt matter if I was a bit chubby cause , im not a model , I'm a singer . Im afraid I am not strong and have fallen victim to the evil machine . I write to you in a sea of tears from my hotel bed in Seattle , I have spent the past hour researching gastric bypass surgery , and laser lipo suction.

She's also added the below picture to her MySpazz profile.

Oh, Lily. Chin up, you scally wag!

Feel free to head over to her MySpazz page and comfort her during her hour of need, although her current virtual friends have already done a sterling job of boosting her flagging spirits.

OMG you've gone mental haven't you?

(nods sagely)

We are extremely concerned about the state of inter-thespian relations on the set of Neighbours now that word has emerged of rogue element amongst the Erinsborough family.

Ryan Maloney, best known for having portrayed the character of Toady for the better part of his life, has decided to start up a rogue Neighbours themed trivia night, undercutting the officially sanctioned Neighbours themed trivia night - owned by a charming sounding fellow known as the Backpacker King - by a whopping $7.

news.com.au reports -

A row has broken out over the right to stage Neighbours trivia nights, with actors in the soap setting up a "rebel" event to compete with sanctioned events. For the past eight years George Josevski, or the Backpacker King as he is known, has run the official Neighbours trivia night every Monday, charging up to 300 mostly British backpackers $35 to meet and mingle with their favourite soap actors.

He is officially aligned with Neighbours producers Fremantle Media, licensing merchandise and providing tours to the set of the show.

Neighbours actors are paid more than $1000 to appear at Mr Josevski's trivia nights, held at Melbourne's Elephant and Wheelbarrow pub each week, and monthly at Sydney's Coolabah Restaurant and Bar.

But actor Ryan "Toadfish" Maloney is leading a rival business targeting British backpackers and going in direct competition with the official weekly event.

Maloney and Phantom Artists held their first trivia night at Melbourne's Gravity nightclub last week, charging $28.

Eegads. Aligning themselves with Toady are Harold Bishop, Steph Hoyland, Paul Robinson, and that chick who was inexplicably up for a Gold Logie despite the fact no one really seems to care about her at all.

In direct opposition? Dr Karl Kennedy, Janelle Timmins, and the bloke from the Timmins clan who would've been a lot cuter if he'd been given at decent haircut - just once - during his time on the show.

You may have noticed we appear to be refusing to grasp that the folk mentioned above are real people with their own non-fictional identities, preferring to call them by what we feel are their "proper" names. Acting? What is this acting you speak of? Does it have something to do with Xenu and thetans?

As for this stoush, our money is on Dr Karl. He strikes us as one tough motherfucker, so cross him at your peril, Toadfish.

But don't start the process of adopting an Eastern European orphan just yet - she's referring to the abundance of paparazzi, not the abundance of needy children waiting to be plucked out of obscurity and given a snappy new name containing an 'X' somewhere.

Celebrity couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have taken up temporary residency in the Czech capital, and the paparazzi couldn't be happier.

They were mobbed when they showed up at their five-year-old son Maddox's French pre-school, witnesses said.

According to one tabloid, Jolie has become so frustrated with photographers during her stay that she declared the Czech Republic "dreadful."

"I don't care if it costs me a billion dollars, I'm not staying here. Even in Africa it wasn't this bad," Jolie said as paparazzi shot photos of her daughter Shiloh, according to Blesk tabloid.

Pull your socks up, Czech Republic! Don't you know what a Jolie-Pitt endorsement can do for your country's tourism industry? You can't just rely on absinthe and fucking Kafka to pull in the punters, you know.

The organisers of festival Splendour In The Grass will no doubt be hearing quite a bit from disgruntled punters after music lovers were forced to deal with wardrobe malfunction after malfunction when tickets went on sale this morning.

Many frustrated users of the OzTix system put in place by festival organisers have now chosen to vent their anger at missing out on camping tickets due to being forced to purchase tickets through a website unable to handle the demand on Splendour In The Grass' MySpace page. God love 'em.

Splendour you sure know how to piss off someone's day.

Super Super Crap!!

Marcia Brady is really mad about missing out on tickets.

this is the queerest thing ever created by man kind...

Well, probably not. Perhaps the double-ended sex toy that managed to vibrate and play Kylie's Step Back In Time we saw on eBay once would have more of a right to the Queerest Thing Ever Created By Man Kind title, but we get the point.

splendour you fucking suck!! But finally via. phone and a human interaction we got tiks!!! Get a new fucking ticketing system and release more camping tickets!!!!!!!!

That's them done told.

this is reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefucking diculous. like seriously i was at the front and HELLO THERE COOKIES YOU SAY? and now i cannot get past the coundown.

People are clearly beginning to lose their minds.

This is total bullshit! I got into the actual buying process but then the site was so shitty and slow that it kept screwing up and the reservation timed out! Now I cannot get camping tickets and there is a chance I will just not go. You SUCK Splendour.

BUT YOU'RE MYSPAZZ FRIENDS, YOU CANNOT JUST TURN ON THEM LIKE THAT! No wait, we suppose you can. Carry on.

do you know what I love?
virtual waiting rooms.
oh yeah.
just can't get enough.
and red numbers that counts down from 60.
I think I might set one up in my bedroom, just so I can look at it 24 hours a day.

why oh why is this so long and painful?

We're sensing sarcasm there.

While Defamer Australia is still firmly in Our Kylie's camp regarding vicious gossip she's been grubbily handling another woman's man, British tabloid News Of The World seem unable to let go of the story, bleeding it dry for all it's worth.

The heavily-pregnant wife of the film director who holidayed with Kylie Minogue said: "This week without doubt has been the worst of my life."

Distraught Laura Dahm, pictured here for the first time, also told how she had "no choice" but to believe her husband Alexander when he said he was not having an affair with the star, 39.

Speaking from her home in Mexico City, Laura said: "It has been a week of hell. I am supposed to be enjoying the last few weeks of my pregnancy, getting ready for our baby.

"Instead I am crying and constantly on the phone to my husband begging him to come home as he is being accused of sleeping with one of the world's biggest stars."

Interestingly, News Of The World - for all their moral outrage and gusto - seem reluctant to consider the possibility that Laura Dahm's worst week evs may have less to do with Kylie and Alexander working together, and more to do with the fact they've pretty much been parked outside her house screaming "Seriously! He's fucking Kylie! Give us a quote then, love! Eh?" constantly for the past seven days.

After the jump - the rest of the article from News Of The World... a riveting read which reveals, erm, Laura finds it a bit shit having to constantly explain to people that despite rumours being spread via thoroughly reputable newspapers like, well, News Of The World, she still has no reason to believe her husband is being unfaithful. Right. Good-o.

Read More »

Whoa, is it Monday already? Good lord. The weekend just wasn't long enough, if you ask us. Still, Defamer Australia is here to help you start your Monday with some impressively highbrow Big Brother-related YouTube action, so that's something.

Much thanks to reader Adam for giving us the "hot tip" (to borrow a Fryzie-ism circa Big Brother 4) about the following video on YouTube, where a bootylicious Emma manages to get a rise out of an elderly man. Awwww. Seeing old people with raging horns always cheers us up.

BIG SHOUT OUTS TO MY HOMEBOY BILL HEFFERNEN!

Video after the jump. Which rhymes with hump. Something we'd never do to Bill Heffernen if we ever unfortunately stumbled across him and his 4am wake up call, no matter how much you paid us.

Read More »