Hot on the heels of yesterday's hoo-haa over President Bush's royal gaffe during his welcoming speech for Queen Elizabeth II's visit to the United States comes news that Her Majesty has mustered up her own pithy riposte, leaving a crowd of 104 guests at a black tie dinner rolling in the aisles.

The Queen flashed a bit of royal wit at President George Bush on Tuesday, getting back at him for a faux pas a day earlier that nearly placed her in the 18th century.

With a playful grin, the Queen opened a dinner toast to the President saying: "I wondered whether I should start this toast by saying, 'When I was here in 1776 ...'"

The 104 guests invited to the black-tie gathering at the home of British ambassador David Manning erupted in laughter. Mr Bush laughed along and the Queen smiled broadly before continuing with her text.

"Your Majesty, I can't top that one," Mr Bush reciprocated, at the beginning of his toast.

Who could, George? Who could?

Next stop for The Queen? We can only hope it's New York - so Liz can host Saturday Night Live. She and Amy Poehler would comedically bounce off each other like it ain't no thang, mark our idiotic words.

Defamer Australia reader Michael has helpfully steered us in the direction of another Paris-related online petition - but this one hopes to see Paris locked away for 45 years!

We like the wording of this one much better.

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Surprising absolutely no one in the Australian showbiz industry, Grant Denyer has now apologised for his comments yesterday describing his Logies hangover as similar to being pounded by a beautiful, strong, totally hung African American porn star (PARAPHRASED).

Denyer appeared on Seven's Today Tonight show last night to apologise.

"If anyone was offended by that, I certainly do apologise. Anyone who knows me knows I wouldn't go out to offend," he said.

"It was a wobbly joke, made way too early in the morning."

The real question is, can A Current Affair maintain the rage now that Grant's acting suitably chastised for at least another episode? Oh, we hope so. The Today Tonight / A Current Affair ongoing fisticuffs situation isn't getting old at all.

We don't want to dwell too much on the The Simple Penal Life issue today, but we couldn't help but point out to our dear readers the following article in The Sun Online which proves beyond a doubt that the journalist responsible for penning such alarm bell ringing words obviously owns the DVD box set of infamous documentary series Prisoner: Cell Block H.

Paris in prison lesbian alert

PARIS HILTON will have to wear dowdy blue jumpsuits and knickers and share showers with butch lesbians in jail.

She starts a 45-day sentence in LA next month for driving while banned.

Yesterday a woman visiting her mum at the jail said inmates shower together and a large group of "very masculine lesbians” prey on them. She added: “This place is bad. Paris is not going to make it."

Oh, we don't know. We dare say even masculine butch prisoners will be repelled by the thought of attending to Paris Hilton's overused vagina with or without the dowdy blue jumpsuits and knickers.

Hmmm. There's really not much we can add to the title of this post, we're afraid. Big Brother housemate Hayley did an interview with TeenBodyBuilding.com five years ago, and the pictures accompanying the highly informative article are impressive to say the least.

We wouldn't fuck with her.

You can read the interview with Hayley here but our favourite bit has to be the following.

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Edging closer and closer to her June 5th date with incarceration with each passing minute (at least that's our generally understanding regarding the concept of time), Paris Hilton is now attempting to outsmart the system and somehow escape the big house. First stop? MySpazz, of course!

The 26-year-old was ordered by a Los Angeles judge on Friday to report to a county jail by June 5 to serve a 45-day sentence for violating the terms of her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.

Hilton's plea, on her MySpace website, came as her lawyers filed a notice with the court indicating their intent to appeal.

The hotel heiress urged fans to join her in a desperate plea to California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to keep her out of jail.

She wrote on her blog: "My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn (sic) it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!"

Have literacy programs been established in American prisons?

The petition she's asking people to 'sihn' is quite wonderful - check it out.

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We wish we could say there were a lesson to be learned from tough guy methhead Tom Sizemore's inability to stray very far from the glass pipe, but with an astounding nine upcoming projects listed on his IMdB page, we're beginning to wonder if an insurmountable crystal habit isn't exactly what every down-in-the-dumps former Hollywood contender needs in order to stay productive enough to make the month's car and mortgage payments. Of course, you'll always be running the risk of arrest, even when you're doing nothing but minding your business, gnawing on your own cheek in a parked car:

Actor Tom Sizemore, still on probation for a drug rap, was arrested Tuesday for investigation of possessing methamphetamine as he sat in a car outside a Bakersfield hotel, police said.

Sizemore, 45, of Calabasas, was arrested after drugs were found in his car outside the Four Points Sheraton hotel, Detective Greg Terry said.

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There's nothing like the unexpected jailing of a beloved icon to inspire activism on the part of the teeming, internet-enabled masses, as petitions alternately seeking to set free Paris Hilton or make sure she serves every last minute of those 45 days have been propagating online. While we're still a little disappointed that pro-Hilton forces still haven't expressed their outrage with a cathartic riot, here's a round-up pointing you to various places where you can join up with a grassroots movement that will ultimately be ignored:

· "To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger...We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either." Number of signatures so far: 4752 [Free Paris Hilton]

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As heralded just a little while ago in an internal e-mail circulating through the company that sounded suspiciously like a press release, HBO CEO Chris Albrecht is taking the time-honoured route of following up an embarrassing personal incident with a quick trip to rehab (it's worked so well for Mel, Britney, and Lindsay lately), where he'll battle the alcohol-fuelled demons that resurfaced in the MGM Grand's valet lot this weekend. There's no timetable given as yet for Albrecht's return from the leave of absence, but one hopes that the usual 28 days will be long enough for the public's memory of that unflattering mugshot, and for his own pain over the emotionally devastating end of The Sopranos, to fade.

• HBO puts Albrecht on leave [Variety]
• HBO's Albrecht on leave, enters AA [THR]

· Aging, erstwhile megastar Kevin Costner will produce and star in the "indie election comedy" Swing Vote, in which he'll play a guy who, through the kind of incredible plot contrivance from which hilarity will inevitably ensue, discovers he will cast the deciding vote in the presidential race. Also: Does anyone have any idea what Mr. Brooks is about? We keep zoning out during the commercials before we can figure it out. [Variety]
· Rapper Common's acting career is, as we're told the kids like to say, "blowing up." He'll join Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie in Universal's Wanted, and is in talks to outact Keanu Reeves in The Night Watchman. [THR]
· Superstar legal pundit Nancy Grace jettisons her Court TV show so that she can focus all of her crazy energy on being shrill on her higher-profile CNN showcase. [Variety]
· Roughly 19 million viewers tune in to US Dancing with the Stars to simultaneously wonder if Billy Ray Cyrus's moves might be improved if he had a prosthetic leg. [[THR]
· Veronica Mars showrunner Rob "Not the Matchbox 20 Guy, We Think" Thomas poo-poos chatter that his show's already been given up for dead by The CW. [Variety]

As do-gooding canine detectives Lucky and Flo crisscross Asia-Pacific, sniffing out tell-tale polycarbonates used in the multibillion dollar movie pirating industry, a menace of similarly devastating proportions lurks right outside our back door. That's right: Canada, our "friendly" 49th-parallel-adjacent... Read More »

By now you know the drill, but for those showing up late to the Phil Spector B-actress shooting trial/wigstravanganza, it goes something like this: 1. Prosecution calls woman to the stand. 2. Woman testifies that she and Spector were friends, until the night the Wall of Demon Voices (and her reluctance to put out) convinced him to threaten her with a variety of firearms. 3. Woman inexplicably remains friends with Spector until a recurring pattern begins to suggest he may not have their best interests at heart. Certainly, all of this holds true for Dianne Ogden, whose damning testimony yesterday is reduced to its essential points in one of those convenient Story Highlights boxes. Thanks to your time-management-sensitive friends at CNN.com, you can quickly get the "forced sex at gunpoint" overview, without ever having to delve too deeply into all the "icky" details.

• Ex: 'Demonic' Spector pulled gun after party [CNN.com]

Unkillable superflack Elliot Mintz, the auburn-haired Rasputin to soon-to-be incarcerated hotel-chain tsesarevnatard Paris Hilton who publicly tendered his resignation on Sunday for his tragic failure to communicate the impossibly complicated nuances of a suspended driver's licence to his easily confused charge, is already back at Paris's side. To celebrate the not unexpected reunion, Mintz and Hilton stepped out to the Sober Day USA event (as many of her fellow inmates will soon tell her, it's never too late to get religion) at Paramount last night, where he assured Us that the self-perpetuated rumours of his demise were premature:

The flack had resigned Sunday but at Monday night's event he told Us, "The rumours of our professional separation were overexaggerated," and he was back on as Hilton's publicist. "I continue to be her media rep," Mintz continued. "She remains a client...and more importantly a dear friend." [...]

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