Big Brother 2007 Launch

Only minutes to go before Defamer Australia begins live blogging the launch of the 2007 season of Big Brother. We’re excited. Are you? Please bear in mind that the impressive speed at which we shall be laying the textual smackdown will mean there could be a few typos, a severe lack of photos and… well, the jokes could be better.

7.02pm - Well, here’s our first shock of the season. Gretel doesn’t look like she’s rolled around in some super-glue and ricocheted her way through a costume shop.

7.05pm – Gretel tells us that there are two existing relationships between people in the house. “Only one housemate knows about the relationships… and that housemate doesn’t know that they know it.” Feel free to use that as the Gold Coast equivalent of “If a tree falls in a wood…” if you ever need your head emptied. It’s worked a treat for us.

7.07pm - We meet new housemate Hayley. She used to be a bodybuilder and is a bit Flick Scully-esque, but Gretel’s mad cans seem too distracting for us to make many notes on Hayley. Sorry.

7.08pm - “Steadycam Steve” and Gretel guide us through the house. This year the house appears less to be a crack addled Freedom furniture designer’s wet dream. Instead, it’s Al Gore’s wet dream. Excellent.

7.13pm – Defamer Australia decides that updating every few minutes will officially lead to brain explosion. Updates less regular from here on in, kids.

7.18pm - Hayley enters the house and indulges in the stock standard First Housemate Wandering Around The House Soliloquy. Irritating to the extreme. We then meet TJ - she’s spent a lot of time “banging heads” and is apparently boy crazy.

Third housemate is a Mormon named Rebecca. She’s never had a drink but there’s a twinkle in her eye which leads us to think she could go off the rails. Huzzah. Gretel asks her how she’s feeling – “It’s sort of like I’ve had an explosion on the inside”. Oh bless her. That’s called an orgasm, Rebecca, and we’re not sure you want to be with Gretel Killeen for your first.
7.26pm – All three girls are now in the house. To the soundtrack of their babbling idiocy, we begin to wonder “WHERE ARE THE GLORIOUS GAYS?”

7.28pm – Kate loves to argue and stands about three feet higher than Gretel. “I’m a great person and I want every one to see how much I love being myself”. DIE NOW.

7.30pm - At this point, we decide that 2007 will be the All Girl House. The first six housemates will be sweet straight-edged girls, the following six… experienced and worldly lesbians. Endemol Southern Star, we salute you.

7.31pm - We meet the blonde hotness of Emma. Her dad is in hospital and she doesn’t speak to him. “I sent him a message, the first contact I’ve had in about three years.” Those watching the show with Defamer Australia feel for her, but also cannot help but sleazily mutter aloud “God, she’s got great tits, doesn’t she? She’ll look good in a bikini.”

7.35pm – Aleisha brings the number of blonde housemates to four and likes to make a popping sound with her mouth. Erm, okay. Gretel asks her “Why don’t you try that (the popping sound) right now and see what the boys in the audience do”. She does and the cameraman cuts to a boy in the crowd looking pleased, except it isn’t a boy – it’s a butch looking teenage girl. Arf!

7.43pm - Jamie is a “karaoke hosting nerd”. He grew up in an orphanage until finally his great grandmother pulled up outside, threw him in the car and raised him. Defamer Australia’s eyes begin welling with loving tears. He feels too old for nightclubs and says “I haven’t picked up a girl outside of an internet chatroom since the late nineties.” WE LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH.

“I’m doing this for all the nerds out there…” announces Jamie and then launches into the binary version of Martin Luther King Jr’s “I have a dream” speech. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 2007’s Lefty Tim!

7.47pm – Big Brother tells the ladies in the house “You may notice you all have something in common.” The girls look confused. A VAGINA, LADIES! A VAGINA!

7.48pm – Jamie has entered the house but the girls are locked in the diary room and he appears to be under the impression he’s the only one in the house. The girls are watching him and commenting as he wanders around.

7.50pm – We meet Bodie, who likes to look good and also appears to be borderline retarded. He tells Gretel “You look like pretty, ahhh, chipper, doncha?” WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!? He then pipes up “Ah well, I got my swimmers on…” and Defamer Australia sighs loudly about having drawn Bodie in the Melbourne Big Brother Society’s Housemate Sweep.

7.53pm – Andrew, welcome to the show. He’s a handsome firefighter who supports the Collingwood Magpies and totally swoonworthy. Could he be a gay firefighter? We hope so.

7.57pm – Jamie, Bodie and Andrew finally meet. The girls take one look at Andrew on the television from the safety of their bunker and start gasping excitedly.

7.58pm – “I’m asexual – I’m in love with myself” Yes, Joel is a Young Liberal – hey, we’re not saying the two are linked – and is revolting. Seriously. He’s the 2007 version of last year’s uber-fucklord Michael. Gretel asks him about his reputation as a ladykiller. He replies “I’m a strapping young lad. I’d love to meet a lovely strapping lady.” and Defamer Australia begins quietly humming Lola by The Kinks to ourselves. Gretel clearly hates him.

8.02pm – Thomas is tall, dark and handsome – and married. His wife left him, his mum has cancer and has moved in with him, and he also had a girlfriend who he only recently broke up with two weeks ago. Either Thomas’ wife or his ex-girlfriend is one of the girls in the house. FACT. And after he enters, the Mormon is mysteriously quiet.

8.07pm – Meet Warney Travis. He appears to enjoy licking his plate, driving trucks and he’s got a two year old son. Unrelated to Travis, one of Defamer Australia’s chum’s pipes up with “Where are the Hasidic Jews? My people are under-represented.” Take note, producers!

8.17pm – Gretel begins to introduce the group of potential housemates, from which the Australian public must pick two to vote in. First up is Kara. She lists Paris Hilton as her hero. Gretel queries “What do you like about Paris?” and she replies “She’s hot.” Yeah. That’s hot. You idiot. Now there’s Susannah – she thinks thirty is the new twenty and is unbearably cute. We like her a lot. Our final contestant Demet likes to belly dance and when Gretel asks her how she’s finding the experience, replies “Excitink!” She is a bit of a bloody moron, to be honest.

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA’S ORDER OF PREFERENCE –
1. Susannah 2. Demet 3. Kara.

8.29pm - Now we meet the potential boy housemates. Harrison grew up in the country and has ridiculous hair. Cruz believes men are superior to women because Jesus was a man. He MUST go in! He must! All those strong women? GENIUS! Finally, we meet Zoran who is twenty three, sweet and very cute. And we still want Cruz, the fellow who thinks bitches ain’t shit but hos and tricks, to be the one sent into the house.

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA’S ORDER OF PREFERENCE –
1. Cruz 2. Zoran 3. Harrison.

8.39pm – Gretel dares us to work out who in the house is having a relationship and we switch over to footage direct from the trenches. We see the kids in there drinking beers, except for the Mormon who is drinking a can of V. She appears to be attempting to make them all play kiddy games, and thank god for Warney because he snaps “It’s too early for this…”

8.50pm – WHO THE HELL IS IN A RELATIONSHIP, GIVE US ANSWERS!

8.52pm – Big Brother takes the housemates into the diary room to welcome the contestants and make an important announcement. He says “You all stated you wanted to enter the Big Brother house for the experience. This is exactly what you’ll receive. Last year the prizemoney was one million dollars. Today the prize money is zero. ” Bodie woos, Joel pouts, and the Mormon appears to be a bit upset too. WHO CARES, TELL US WHO IS RELATED/HAS HAD SEX.

9.02pm – Back to the house. Jamie is talking about the joys of hosting karaoke. Hayley appears to be trying to make Thomas sit on her crotch, judging from the way she’s patting her “special” area and saying “Come here!” Ahem. She asks him to tell her a secret and he responds “I’m married.” Impressively in denial, Hayley replies “You play what?” and Thomas is forced to try again with “No, I’m married.” TO ONE OF THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE, THOMAS? This is killing us.

And that, as they say, is that.

We’ve had some wardrobe malfunctions with the comments section which we’re trying to fix now. Soz. In the meantime, are you watching Rove right now? He’s being completely offensive and funny and it is weirding us out a bit, to be honest.