Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Memo To Current Big Brother Housemates

9:39PM Jess McGuire | You don’t get to choose the phrases the Australian public decide to hastily adopt like stray David Banda’s and clutch to their frighteningly buff bosom. “Oh my God!” Billy was out of his seat and glued to the screen. “Press it,” someone else yelled. “Press the button, press the button!” Everyone chimed in. “Push it bitch!” Kate yelled out, getting a laugh from the others. “How’s you?” Bodie laughed, throwing a cushion her way and pointing out that in one sentence Kate had mentioned how sorry she was for the ‘brunette’ in the White Room and the next minute she was insisting she, “Push it bitch!” Everyone laughed and yelled out together, “Push it bitch!” The HMs quickly decided Kate had coined a new phrase for the House and continued to use it as often as they could. Nay, it is we – the All Powerful Metrollectual* Viewers** – who make the decisions when it comes to eventual Big Brother outcomes, from the important stuff like who walks away with the big bucks at the end of the season to the little things like which ridiculous slogans get scribbled across t-shirts and sold over the web. You can’t force a Game On, Moles-esque lexicon frenzy and when you try it just seems cheap and nasty. Speaking of that old chestnut, have you seen the Game On Moles online, erm, game? *We are currently “workshopping” this word and hope to have a textbook definition ready for you shortly. In the meantime, here’s one we prepared earlier… **Alright then. The fourteen year old school girls who have excellent mobile phone plans hold the real power. UPDATE: We are saddened and shocked to learn that the term “metrollectual” appears to have already been coined by someone on the interwebs, although we are vaguely comforted by the fact our definitions were utterly different. Back to the drawing board! More »

“I’ve Never Ever ***** ******** **** ******* ********* ***** *******” or How Andrew Learned To Stop Worrying And Drop The C-Bomb

8:52PM Jess McGuire | 01:46 is where you’ll need to pay attention. On the upside, at least the work experience kid they’ve got minding the sound booth remembered to bleep it out. How impressed did Hayley look? Now if only they’d been quick enough to press the button which engages the Anti Draper* Protective Forcefield TM when that dense cunt Bodie decided to open up about himself. *A Defamer Australia associate once emailed Trish Draper and in his correspondence described her as “a petty and tedious reactionary from Adelaide with a questionable parliamentary record and cheaply dyed hair”. Genius. More »