Friday, October 26, 2007
Australian Idol Round-Up: “The Gauch” Goes All The Way To The Top
5:20PM Clem Bastow | In the sort of “hang on, WTF?” result we’ve come to know and love Australian Idol for, Natalie Gauci took out the crown last night at the Opera House.
Despite the pundits backing Matt Corby with the short odds, the battler from Melbourne ended up the victor (there’ll be a nice warm spot in the Young Divas waiting for her within six months).
To say the whole night had been something of a shambles would’ve been the understatement of the decade, so here are some of our thoughts on the evening:
* The amazing “technical difficulties” filling the return of Divinyls to live TV, beginning with the camera going spaz two-thirds of the way through Boys In Town, a green screen, then an ad break, then a minute of meaningless crowd footage while an off-camera tech said “How long have we got?” and was answered “About three minutes”, then another ad break, then Andrew G saying something about “live television”, then the band doing the song again with the same over-choreographed moves, then the “I’m Lovin’ It” signs flashing at the end of it all over the Golden Arches-decorated runway. Then, the divine Ms Amphlett saying, “And who are you?” to an approaching/drooling Andrew G, then fucking off the whole “you’ve got a new single out but how about you play your old hit – twice – and we’ll tell you how to do it” debacle by saying, when asked what the contestants should do, “We’ve developed – couldn’t you tell?”
* James Mathison announcing, with disbelief, that Nat and Matt would arrive, accompanied by “rollerbladers holding soccer flares” – and that’s precisely what the event management delivered.
* Mathison’s barrage of single entendres and jabs at the Christian voting bloc.
* Epilepsy-inducing jump-cut montages of the Seymour Centre (etc).
* Funereal music playing over the top of any “remember when” montages of past winners and notables, despite said montages actually featuring sound and singing.
* Natalie’s plethora of dud wardrobe choices (good one, Sheridan and the Maybelline Style Team) including an ill-fitting, doily-skirted cocktail dress, jeans and a top last seen at the Seven Angels warehouse sale, and finally the clanger, her finale/winner’s dress, which was pinned at the back with the radio mic transmitter plonked on top, half a size too small, and with leather opera-length gloves that were half undone around the wrists.
* Matt Corby’s variety of leggings-tight pants, and nightie-esque shirts.
* Lionel Richie saving the night by blowing the entire Final 12 offstage following their lacklustre walkthrough of All Night Long (and then reserving all his enthusiasm for Carl Risely).
* Lionel Richie’s response, following two-and-a-half hours of Maccas branding, to the hosts’ inquiring as to how he was finding the Idol experience: “I’m lovin’ it.”
* The entire Opera House crowd seeming to have voted for Matt Corby and remaining bums-glued-to-seats throughout Natalie’s winner’s performance of Here I Am.
* The “artwork” for Here I Am.
…And so forth.
If anything, the finale show – dogged by technical difficulties and ho-hum production numbers – was really symbolic of the whole season, and you couldn’t shake the feeling that it might have been a death knell for the franchise, which last night rated just less than half of what it did in its first incarnations.
Just how many more times can they attempt to freshen the thing up? Guess we’ll have to wait until next year to find out. More » 
Free Hugs Dude Disappointed By Reality Of Human Spirit
4:56PM Clem Bastow | Remember “Juan Mann”, the dude with the ‘FREE HUGS’ sign who appeared in the Sick Puppies’ YouTube clip and then became a Global Phenomenon™?
Well, we’ll forgive you if you don’t, but this particular cock-eyed optimist’s fortunes have taken a turn for the worse as his latest stunt – a sort of reversed variation on that “one red paperclip” scheme, to throw open his house as a free house of love and support – has seen him set to be evicted.
Will the Sick Puppies make an affecting YouTube clip about the day the repo men (preferably one wearing a t-shirt that says “Don’t Fuck With Mr Zero”, like in When Harry Met Sally) come and turf him out, his mandala wall-hangings and Dave Matthews Band DVDs with him?
The star of the Free Hugs Campaign video, which has been played more than 20 million times on YouTube, posted an invitation to his home on the internet last month.
“We still have this constant fear that strangers are dangerous and that putting your address online means people are going to come to your house and trash the place,” Mann said when NEWS.com.au visited his home.
Last night Mann sent an online appeal for help after allegedly receiving a message from his landlord which described the open-house project as a “security risk”.
Mann’s email read:
“I am in trouble and I need your help. I am facing the threat of eviction.
“My landlord found out (about the project) and sent me some mail as well. Inviting guests into my home is considered a security risk to the building and causing or permitting a nuisance to the neighbours.”
Mann used the email to launch his “Free Home Campaign” and asked readers to help him find somewhere to live.
Ha! So Mr Free Hugs does want something in return – a free bloody house! The nerve of the bloke!
Anyway, we’ve come away with this with one pressing question: who’ll give the free hugs man a free hug?
There’s a James Taylor song in there somewhere. More » 
David Beckham Makes Sick Children Cry; Pulls Wings Off Bees
4:45PM Clem Bastow | Before we begin we should note that our headline is something of a misnomer; we were captivated by news previews last night along the lines of “Just what did David Beckham do to make this cancer patient cry?” and hoped that he’d totally lost it and stuck a tack in her commemorative soccer ball or something.
Then today dawns and it turns out Becks’ “snubbing” of said young soccer fan wasn’t a statement at all, and just a simple matter of, er, not seeing her.
Which is good, because we wouldn’t have to burn our copy of Posh & Becks: Talking now, would we?
Fourteen-year-old Emma Byers – the first person to survive two consecutive bone marrow transplants at Sydney Children’s Hospital – was due to welcome Beckham to Star City yesterday morning but was left in tears when the star’s minders insisted he was brought into the hotel via a back entrance and whisked to his room.
But last night at Sydney FC’s game with Queensland last night, Beckham took time to meet Emma in private and left the young girl beaming with delight.
After he was told what happened, a contrite Beckham had used a press conference to apologise to the girl and other fans who had been with her, and had promised to make amends.
“I didn’t even see any children when I arrived at the hotel this morning – I went in the back way,” he said.
“But that (snubbing them) is one thing I would never have done – never have done and never will do. That’s not what I do or what I’m about and I apologise to them.”
Aw, Becks!
Even with that ridiculously squeaky voice, we’d still tap that ass hardcore he’s still a gentleman.
Any other sick/disadvantaged children are, however, now advised to hang around back alleys with the pimps and junkies in the hope that David “Backdoor Man” Beckham will miraculously appear. More » 
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Hamsters, Ask Amy How
4:11PM Clem Bastow | While the UK press have been detailing Winegums’ apparent teetering on the bring of actually going back to rehab (yes, yes, yes!) with news that husband Blake will probably stay in jail over Christmas, we instead thought it was time to lighten the Winegums mood a little.
Of course, this being Winegums Watch, lightening the mood involves a story featuring a large amount of booze and the eventual death of a small animal.
Hey, what did you expect? Bambi part two?
AMY Winehouse has been accused of killing her friend’s hamster.
More » 
YouTube Clip Of The Day
2:23PM Jess McGuire | A late start from your Defamer Australia team today. Blame a weekend of strong teas and Iced VoVos.
In any case, here’s a nice beginning to the week – a brilliant Harry Enfield clip which had us in hysterics over the weekend. Lap it up, kids!
More » 
YouTube Clip Of The Day
3:51PM Jess McGuire | RRR broadcaster and all round top bloke Tony Wilson recorded an interview with a car enthusiast aaaages ago, and rewatching it today made us chuckle. We especially like the earnestness in which the interviewee discusses how bureaucracy stopped him from being able to own the license plate “OHSOHOT” (seven letters) instead forcing him to make do with “OSOHOT”.
That’s sick, that’s sick, that’s sick! More » 
Paris Hilton To Appear On I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!? Perhaps!
10:48AM Jess McGuire | We’re all aware of the UK reality television show which forces C-grade celebrities to live rough and eat revolting things in the hope of winning the hearts of Ol’ Blighty and possibly crawl their way up the fame ladder to the rung labelled B-grade, aren’t we? I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! is responsible for bringing Jordan and Peter Andre together, amongst other notable achievements, and preparations are underway for the next season as we speak.
We have an insider working on the show who contacted us yesterday to reveal that Paris Hilton is apparently in negotiations to appear on the program. The idea of watching the genius behind ‘Stars Are Blind’ eating kangaroo testicles or whatever the hell kind of torture they’re planning on putting the celebrities through this year is almost thrilling enough to make us call Channel Ten repeatedly and beg them to buy the rights to the program. More » It’s Been A While Since Amber Petty Mentioned How Close She Is With BFF Princess Mary, Hasn’t It?
10:29AM Jess McGuire | So we were rather relieved this morning to wake up and find she’s piped up regarding a book penned by #1 Enemy Of Australia Trine Villemann which states, amongst other things, that Our Mary TM is not the love of Prince Frederik’s life. IS SHE MAD?
Anyway, here are Amber Petty’s dull thoughts, if you’re interested.
In her book, Copenhagen 1015K, Danish Royal correspondent
Trine Villemann claims Frederik would have been better off marrying his
old girlfriend, Danish model Katje Storkholm.
“There is no truth to that at all,” Amber says, adding the claims have upset Mary, above left with Amber.
“She is extremely disappointed by them and finds it all rather surprising, coming out of the blue.
“It is absolute rubbish. They have never been happier.”
We have to agree with Amber about the book being nonsense though. Sure, we haven’t read it ourselves, but Mary helped Fred kick smoking! Through positive pressure! If that’s not true love, we don’t know what the fuck is. More » ‘I’ve Been Yelled At By Someone Famous’
10:03AM Jess McGuire | One of our favourite groups on Facefuck (remember when we hated that place? Remember? And now we are drawn to it like a bee to honey…) is the enticingly named ‘I’ve been yelled at by someone famous’ which, true to its word, contains quite a few interesting tales on it regarding cranky celebrities.
Here are a few of our favourites if you can’t be bothered checking out the group yourself, you cheeky lazy buggers.
I worked in a pub in Richmond. One day Ernie Sigley came in to have
lunch with some other people. When he was ready for another drink he
would remain seated, click his fingers, gesturing for me to come to him
and say “girly get me another wine/beer”. Smug little c*#t
Bob Ellis once told me “I hope you die a slow and horrible death” and then he hung up.
I was in the 2UE elevator a few years back and Alan Jones entered. At
the time I was wearing some yellow Nikes and he commented “What a
revolting pair of shoes. Did you win them in a raffle or something?”
Jack Thompson told me to fuck off once – he was really drunk and he
thought i was taking his picture and i was just getting my cardigan out
of my bag
Many years ago I was housesitting for my father, and walking his bloody
beagles at Birchgrove Oval (Balmain, Sydney…). I knew little of dog
walking etiquette… Anyway, one of the dogs did a crap, I kept walking
and a strident voice yelled out from the other side of the oval…’Oi!
Pick up your poo!’ It was none other than swimming icon Dawn Fraser.
Have you been yelled at by someone famous? Do let us know. More » 
Howard’s Interest Rate Appears To Have Risen In This Happy Snap (Amongst Other Things)
9:47AM Jess McGuire | Oh, we’re clearly being ridiculous and immature, but this photo of Prime Minister John Howard out and about amongst the people during the campaign made us chuckle quietly to ourselves.
They are nice cans, John. We certainly don’t blame you for being momentarily distracted from the mammoth task of convincing the Australian public you’re not an over-the-hill power freak with a little note from your maker saying ‘IOU’ where your soul should be.
Who on earth is he on the phone to, and what is he saying, we wonder?
Feel free to forward anything else election related you think we’d like to the usual contact address (check the info column thingo to your left – we can’t remember the technical term for it because we’re a bit sick today, if you must know, and leaving bed is struggle enough). Shots of Kevin Rudd ogling bottoms are welcome. More » 