Thursday, December 20, 2007
Brit Academic Decrees Cracker Jokes Not A Crack-up
12:36PM Clem Bastow | In one of those hilarious “serious” articles commissioned to leaven the merriment of Christmas, the Sun today reports on a survey conducted by UK academics to decide upon the worst ever Christmas cracker jokes.
You know, the little rolled up pieces of coloured paper that usually fall out and end up in your roast dinner or egg-nog.
Why they thought they needed university muscle to do this, we don’t know, but the results are typically hilarious (for all the wrong reasons), with “What is Santa Claus’ favourite pizza? Deep pan, crisp and even” decided upon as the all-time stinker.
Andrew Linn, Professor of Linguistics at the University of Sheffield, deconstructed the top-placed gag.
“The essence of a fine joke is clever and original use of language, often exploiting some sort of ambiguity. This joke has been voted the worst Christmas cracker joke because it is almost too clever,” Prof Linn said.
“It uses ambiguity in how the words are put together (’deep pan’ ’deep and’) as well as contextual ambiguity (pizzas and a Christmas carol). In short, once you get it, it’s a real groaner.”
But hang on a minute, those academics missed another point – surely it should’ve been Good King Wenceslas’ favourite pizza?
Mummy, our heads hurt!
Read on for the top ten Christmas clangers – ho, ho, ho!
More » 
First They Take Your Vegemite Jars, Then They Take Your Freedom
11:22AM Clem Bastow | It’s been a year full of outrages – from political scandals to women’s and gay rights blows to unfair workplace red tape and the writers’ and stagehands’ strikes, there’s been something for everyone to feel righteously revved up about.
However, none of these can compare, surely, to the latest thing to rock the world irreparably. You might want to sit down for this one…
THEY ARE MAKING VEGEMITE JARS SMALLER.
And you know what’s worse? They didn’t think we’d notice. But oh, we did – and so did the pensioners of Australia, and they’re PISSED.
Vegemite is just one of a host of Aussie products that have been repackaged in recent months.
Foster’s Group dropped the size of Cascade Premium Lager bottles from 375ml to 330ml in November.
The downsizing came just two months after reducing the size of VB longnecks from 800ml to 750ml.
Vegemite lover John Gray, 70, noticed the 235gm jar had shrunk to a 220gm version at his local Maitland supermarket last week.
“It’s just a sneaky way to drop the size without dropping the price,” Mr Gray said yesterday.
This is sacrilege! Fifty mils less booze? Fifteen grams less Vegemite?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THE WORLD COMING TO!?
If only John Howard were still in office, there is no question he would decry this ABOMINATION as un-Australian, because, ladies and gentlemen of our country, that’s what this is. More » 
Baz’s Outback Epic ‘Australia’ Finally Wraps
11:03AM Clem Bastow | After what seems to have been about fifteen years (in actual fact it was nine months, which is still a ridiculously long shooting period), Baz Lurhmann’s monster (in size, not in genre) drama Australia has finally finished filming.
The flick is due for release next Christmas, so they’re obviously planning a similarly short and sweet editing and post-production period.
Stars Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman sound pleased to be finished, if a little “what the hell do we do now?” after such a huge stint. In Jackman’s case, what to do next involves, er, eating.
“If you could tick any box off a job, this has got every box ticked,” he said, adding it felt “surreal” to finish. “Part of me doesn’t want to let this go. It’s probably the best movie I’ve ever worked on. It’s hard to let go of.”
While eating from a plate of broccoli, Jackman said he would have three weeks off before throwing himself into physically demanding sci-fi thriller Wolverine.
“I literally eat every three hours,” Jackman said of his preparation.
Broccoli? Is this some new super food that we’ve not been advised about?
Goddamn it, we’ve been sucking down spinach and acai berry thickshakes with fish scales sprinkled on top, no wonder our biceps haven’t been getting more impressive, we’ve been eating the wrong fucking stuff! Thanks for nothing, Jackman. More » MTV Host Cops Gun To The Face, Police Searching For Disgruntled Channel V Fan
10:54AM Jess McGuire | An MTV VJ had an unpleasant beginning to the festive season, it would seem.
A Christmas catch-up at a Rushcutters Bay bar began with a shotgun in the face for MTV host Darren McMullen this week, after the prankster literally fell into a frightening armed robbery.
Meeting a friend for a drink about 11.30pm on Monday, The Lair presenter was confronted by balaclava-clad bandits making good their escape with a safe and the takings from a nearby massage parlour they had just robbed.
Yes, yes – not very nice, how shocking, etc.
But let’s experiment a little. By removing certain paragraphs and words – and adding nothing – let’s see if we can spice up this story a little, huh?
A Christmas catch-up at a Rushcutters Bay bar began with a shot in the face for MTV host Darren McMullen this week.
Meeting a friend for a drink about 11.30pm on Monday, The Lair presenter was confronted by bandits from a nearby massage parlour.
Having set on into one of the three masked men, “I was about to have a go until he shoved in my face and told me to get down,” McMullen said yesterday.
Stunned by the bizarre encounter, McMullen said he was all but laughing as he was forced onto his knees.
“The whole time I was thinking there were cameras rolling.”
McMullen discovered, “half-naked women and men in suits trying to pull themselves.”
And we’re spent.
More » Last Chance To Win A Sweet $250 Voucher!
10:40AM Jess McGuire | Remember when we gave you the heads up on how to win a $250 voucher just by answering some questions about Defamer Australia and your feelings? Do you?
Well, it’s not too late to enter. Competition closes tomorrow, so there’s still a small window of opportunity left to dive in, click happily amongst the multiple choice questions, and potentially win a voucher for… BUNNINGS! Or Coles/Myer, David Jones, or Harvey Norman, depending on what you’re into. But we’re into BUNNINGS!
CLICK HERE to complete the survey. It doesn’t take too long (we’ve done it, and gave ourselves top marks because we are in denial about many aspects of our life) so you’ll be back wasting time on Facebook before you know it. Unless you’re Kate Ritchie.
Sorry, Kate :( More » 
Vladimir Putin Is Time’s Person Of The Year
10:34AM Jess McGuire | So here’s why the folks at Time reckon Putin deserves the title for 2007.
“At significant cost to the principles and ideas that free nations prize, he has performed an extraordinary feat of leadership in imposing stability on a nation that has rarely known it and brought Russia back to the table of world power,” Stengel wrote.
“For that reason, Vladimir Putin is Time’s 2007 Person of the Year.”
“Putin is not a boy scout. He is not a democrat in any way that the West would define it. He is not a paragon of free speech,” he wrote.
“He stands, above all, for stability – stability before freedom, stability before choice, stability in a country that has hardly seen it for a hundred years.”
But c’mon… he deserves it for his work in fashion. CHECK OUT HIS BLOODY SUNGLASSES!
We hear he wears these uber-reflective shades to all high profile meetings, so foreign leaders can never actually see his eyes in order to assess if he’s telling fibs or not. Brilliant!
Interestingly, past winners of the Time’s Person Of The Year title include Hitler, Stalin, Bono… AND YOU.
Update your resume accordingly. More » 
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: No Comment
10:30AM Clem Bastow | It’s been a rougher than usual week for Winegums, what with Blake in the clink, her “arrest by appointment” and eventual release on bail, and her “brittle” psychological and emotional state as a result of it all.
However we were intrigued to note that the Daily Mail, whose borderline obsessive “Scroll Down For More” (there’s five of them today) has come to crystallise the UK press’ breathless treatment of Amy (we’re just like the Rogue Traders, before you haterate; you see us watching them watching her), has quietly removed the commenting option from any Amy-related stories in the last few days and hoped none of us would notice.
Perhaps they were unable to handle the guilt they were copping from comments such as “Rather than take her picture, whoever was photographing this poor girl should have given her a helping hand instead. What a vulture” and “What are the press doing outside her friend’s house at 5.45 on a Sunday morning? Shouting at Amy to come and talk to them by any chance?” More » Kylie Plants A Kiss On Doctor Who In Thanks For Gift Of Cosmic Dildo
10:00AM Clem Bastow | Being big fans of both Our Kylie and Doctor Who (that’s just how we roll), we’ve been eagerly anticipating this year’s Christmas special (Doctor Who: Voyage Of The Damned), starring Kyles, for some time.
In an effort to ruin the surprise get everyone even more excited, the Daily Mail has run a few stills from the special. All good and exciting, except for this one:
Just what, exactly, is Kylie’s character Astrid holding in her hand?
We’re guessing (and we may be wrong, and often are, but again, that’s just how we etc) that the good Doctor has given Astrid the gift of orgasm this year, since he has – as ninth doctor Paul McGann’s agent advised him – “two hearts, no dick”.
We now return you to your normal, non-nerd programming. More » 
Seven Staff Banned From Facebook In Real Poke In The Eye To Office Timewasting
9:32AM Clem Bastow | The killjoys over at Stokes HQ have cracked down on staff and stars using Facebook during “office” hours, with Seven’s firewall now blocking everyone’s favourite social networking site.
Evidently there was one too many Seven staffers in the group “I Will Go Out Of My Way To Step On A Leaf That Looks Particularly Crunchy”.
Needless to say, they’re all pissed.
“It’s annoying for people like us who actually need to use it for work – seriously, we use it for research, trying to locate people and that sort of thing,” a Seven news staffer said yesterday.
“It’s not like we’re sitting there poking or sending virtual cocktails,” the angry staffer said.
HA! Can you imagine?
“You have been poked by Jono Coleman.” “David Koch wants to send you hotness!!” “Jennifer Keyte has sent you a magnum of champagne.”
This is a sad, sad day for Seven employees. Someone better get the union onto it, quick smart. More » 
